Summon lobsters at will.
The size of pea
Rise my tiny loblets!
The lobster are horse sized and crave human flesh.
But they can summon you as well
When’s the downside coming?
I can slap people over TCP/IP
Doing so causes your internet service to cut out for several hours.
I’d still use it occasionally.
I’d still use it all the time. Losing internet for a while sucks, but letting someone you’ll never meet express their wrong opinions to equally unimportant strangers on a fake place for fake internet points without consequences???
Still worth it
Slap people wirelessly, and get a break from the internet to cool off? sign me up.
Is it just the service I was using at the time to perform the slap, or all internet access is closed to me? Also, is it computer based only, or could I potentially buy 20 burner phones to slap the shit out of someone? What about VPNs?
Being the first known human to fully interface with a machine also leads to the discovery of cross-platform illnesses.
You are the first human to experience the effects of a backdoor trojan firsthand.
Trojan can’t communicate with host, still a win
I instantly know the answer to ANY question
you now have access to cursed, ancient knowledge and it drives you crazy
I can feel the same emotions as others and am able to communicate without any misunderstandings.
It only works on depressed people.
Become the best psychiatrist for depressed people ever
Ads are blocked for me in real life. Billboards, posters, tv-commercials, all gone!
You start bumping into invisible billboards all the time.
I can jump 10x my own height and can stick to walls
You have no built in shock absorption and the substance you secrete that allows you to stick to walls also gives you eczema.
You get vertigo every time you jump
But you’re the size of an ant
Walking on the ground is always slippery
Photographic memory!
But you are blind
But your keys keep disappearing, even though you know you’ve put them there.
All my bodily functions smells nice, sort of perfume-like.
Your perfume-like scent acts as a pheromone to all insects in your proximity, leading to an endless swarm everywhere you go
I can make my dad come back from getting the milk
He brings his new family
Now he forgot his cigarettes.
I can undo and retry fumbled social interactions.
Retrying these fumbled social interactions can occasionally lead to absurdly consequential butterfly effects that rock the foundations of the world around you. Every disaster stemming from a social retake is preceded by a benign itch in the back of your ear. Sometimes you just get that itch for literally no reason anyway, though.
But you shit yourself while you’re going home every time.
Mosquitos that drink my blood instantly die
deleted by creator
I can talk to animals
They don’t understand you
You have prostate cancer
i’m able to socialize effectively
You are a cat 🐱
Telekinesis with no mass limit.
But it also has no speed limit, causing items you pull around to reach light speed almost instantly, effectively growing to infinite size for the duration of the pull
Honestly, in controlled conditions, I think I can benefit humanity with this.
I can find any lost object.
None of those objects are yours.
Any object you locate begins looking for you
