Some premises: I am not suicidal, I am so afraid of death that I would never take my own life. Also, English isn’t my native language, so please forgive any errors.
For the purpose of this post, I’m writing some general things about myself: I’m a white man in my mid 20s and I’m autistic.
However, I don’t fit into the typical male stereotype of the autistic person passionate about trains. Instead, I tend to like things that are not typically considered socially acceptable for a man: I am a fan of pop culture and pop divas like Taylor Swift, Avril Lavigne, Ariana Grande and Olivia Rodrigo.
This, along with my general introversion and social fatigue, is one of the reasons I can’t find friends. I can’t find common interests with other men my age. I often found myself in online communities where most of the people were much younger than me and this made me feel uncomfortable, so I left those groups.
I deleted social media, except for Lemmy, Reddit, Telegram, X and YouTube. They are the only places where I don’t feel judged and free to express myself. It’s also a concern for me to stay on social media where my full name is required, because where I live employers scour every single sentence written on public social media, looking for any detail to have an excuse not to hire someone.
Another problem is work. Autism is a disability for me because it precludes me from any job where there is contact with the public, because it drains my energy too quickly. Unfortunately, where I live, working from home is not welcomed and after the pandemic everyone went back to working in person. I’m currently unemployed and I am worried about my parents becoming elderly and not being able to support them, neither financially nor emotionally. Instead, I’m the one who needs help from them.
My therapist is not helpful and he doesn’t understand the difficulties caused by my disability and thinks that it is enough to tell me motivational phrases to make all the problems go away.
I would like to go back to when I was a child. Despite the difficulties of autism and the bullying I suffered at school, I was carefree and only thinking about the present moment. Unfortunately, I’m aware that going back is not possible.
Instead, is there a way to appreciate life again despite all the difficulties and worries?
Bro love your pop divas and live your truth, fuck the haters.
My stepdad has been a pop music fan all his life, loves Tay Tay and all of the others, and I’ve never thought any less of him, he’s quite literally my best parent and friend by a wide margin. I’m also saying this as a person heavy into metal and rap, because we can all like what we enjoy without begrudging one another for it.
The best thing you can do is try and find a new therapist that you’re comfortable with, once you find that partnership, if you find it, you’ll feel better about yourself as hopefully that therapy partner will help make you feel better about yourself, like any good therapist should be working towards doing.
I’m sure your stepdad is a very good person. You’re right that we should feel free to like what we want. Sometimes it feels hard to ignore the haters, but I’ll try!
Unfortunately I’m stuck with this therapist for at least six months before he retires and is replaced by someone else. I can’t afford another one which is not funded by disability support :(
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, we definitely need better mental health services, especially for autistic folks, my son is autistic as well and it’s been hard finding support for him. I hope the next therapist does a better job, or that the situation changes and you can get more resources, either way don’t let the haters get you down, stay strong.
Thanks for your support. I agree, we need better mental health services.
Good luck with it, hope things get better for you soon.
Thank you!