First of all, I am an expat who has been living abroad for 9 years now.
Two years ago I meet a wonderful woman who is also form my home country, she has been living here a lot less time than I have (about a year by the time we meet).
About two month into our relationship she gave me an ultimatum, it was with kids or nothing.
I asked her for a few weeks to think about it and after deciding that she was the one, I decided to continue our relationship and started planning on common goals. Months went by and it was truly an amazing time, we really love each other.
Part of our life plans involved us moving in together in 2024. Before that happened, she decided to travel back to our home country to spend christmas and new year’s with her family and get some paperwork done.
While she was there, she called me one day and told me that she wanted us to move back to our home country and continue our live together there, however I do not want that, at all.
Not only it would be very expensive for me to move back, but it would be very difficult for me to find a job in my field. Here I have a high paying job, plus I own a house ideal to raise kids.
Education and quality of life is one of the best in Europe. And I really really do not want to go back to a shithole country.
She insists on her plan and gave me yet another ultimatum, I kinda already made up my mind, but I really do not know how to even start the conversation.
How can I approach this?
You’re both at an age where, especially if you want to get married and have kids, neither of you have time to spare on misaligned relationships. Having children and living long-term in a foreign country are two of only a handful of dealbreakers when it comes to relationships, no matter how perfect you otherwise are for each other. Which sucks, and is really painful to realize, but at least you both seem to know exactly what you want, and it seems like you at least have realized what you want and what she wants are incompatible.
You know her best and know what to say to her best. But generally speaking, it sounds like you need to psych yourself up for a serious conversation where compromise is not feasible and a breakup is the ultimate outcome. It’s going to be a painful conversation, and the temptation on both sides to budge and try to come up with a way to make it work will be strong. But if you stay together someone is going to be miserable with the situation; they may deal with it for a few years, but it’ll all come crashing down eventually. Do you want to be in your 40s realizing that your marriage (with kids!) isn’t working, and now you have to deal with international shared custody?