Thinking on it, there’s no “end state” to being trans. I’ve heard people talk about post-op depression, a feeling of “I’ve made all of the physical changes I’m able to, and there’s nothing else to do and I don’t know what’s next”. My goal was to never think about being trans any more, or at least to think about it as little as possible. The thing is, being trans is something you can’t escape, and it’s always going to affect your life in little ways. Being trans means viewing ourselves in context of the larger cis-dominated world we live in. Even if you are 100% confident in who you are, I don’t know if it’s possible to not view yourself at least a tiny amount through the filter of the dominant culture, subconsciously picking up on the biases, subconsciously feeling “less than”. I remember hearing even from another trans woman that “if you’re really trans, in the future you won’t be part of any trans communities”. I was stupid enough to believe that, since deep down I somewhere accepted the framing that being trans was being “less than”. None of my trying to escape being trans and wanting to be cis actually made me cis - it just made me sacrifice my dignity and subconsciously hate myself for not being able to reach an end state I’d never be able to reach. Living in an cis-dominated culture and accepting cis framing led to a denial of self that’s strangely like dealing with coming to terms with being trans pre-transition. I don’t think it’s healthy, and like so many other things related to being trans it seems like the only way to heal is by being kind and loving to yourself, without letting other people dictate your self-worth or how much of a human you are vs. cis people. We’ve been born into a culture that pushes us to feel lesser than others, and the degree to which I’ve internalized it and deluded myself into thinking I can get past it affecting me has been really upsetting to confront.

This is a long-winded way of saying that I wish you all the best on the same journey of self-acceptance. I’m hopeful that you’ll still be evolving and participating in the community as well, and I’m happy that you’re looking forward to it in the long-term!