Update: Thanks to a few of y’all who got me to look at things differently I think there was a miscommunication. I called my mom, and sorta cleared things up, they said they thought that my message out to them was saying I was planning on celebrating trans day of visibility, and not just mentioning it off hand after accepting the invite. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say I am not fully convinced but I love them enough to forgive. Things have been rocky with them, my dad is teetering on the edge of ultra-conservative and still misgenders and dead-names me. In my mind there was a very real possibility my dad told my mom to dis-invite us after knowing it was a trans day.
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Kinda posting to just vent, family instantly cancelled when I just mentioned it was a trans awareness day.
Crazy thing is they know me, they know we’re not religious, they know that all we’d like to do is just see family (most importantly the two doggos.) And now I’m not going to be getting to do that and I just feel pretty hurt after this. I’ve sent some messages back and forth and they’ve re-invited us, but without a clear explanation or sincere apology, my partner doesn’t feel comfortable around them now. I agree with her, so we won’t be going.
This is the first overtly discriminatory thing I have experienced from them, and it is just so strange this is what hill they decided to claim.
I hate being a social war politic pawn, any other situation, birthday falling on the same day, solar event, or an “acceptable” awareness day, would have been met with open arms. They’ve just treated us as degenerates.
I wasn’t expecting or wanting anything, other than perhaps a minor acknowledgement, just getting cancelled on is bizarre and I can only see it as hateful or at least extremely overly defensive over my perceived motives?
Well idk after this I feel like on march 31st it would have been really fun if I spent the day misgendering them so they could experience a taste of some of the experiences I have. But I’m still just hurt, I would have loved to get a hug from my mom and sis and pet the dogs.
Hopefully this follows the rule and venting is ok, this is my first post here and I would have rather it be something more lighthearted but I just want support and validation after this.
This is probably off the mark and i dont have any context, but on the first read it seemed to me that they thought you might have your own celebrations planned and didnt want to interfere.
On second read its weird because you agreed to their party while also just mentioning that fact on the side.
Yeah, there’s either context missing or a miscommunication.
I second this sounds like a miscommunication. Judging just from this message their parents might have misread and thought maybe OP had plans for Trans Day of Visibility which might conflict with Jesus Resurrection brisket.
On a tangential note, sometimes people don’t quite get abbreviations and messages by text, and so they can get interpreted differently than speaking. So btw might be interpreted as something implying there were plans rather than just a sidenote as OP intended.
(Way Too Busy, Busy Today With that, Bussing To Work, having Bed Time Wars, Brisket will be Totally Wasted 😱) some ideas
Thank you for helping me see things from another angle, I’ve cleared things up for the most part <3
Thank you for helping me see things from another angle, I’ve cleared things up for the most part <3
that’s all of the context my partner and I had last night before bed, we spent an hour talking about it and how it was very confusing and hurtful. Only got 4 hours of sleep due to that, and an earlier game night we had with someone else that went on for longer than expected.
We’re sleep deprived and stressed af with our lease ending and seeing a new apt. The following conversation I had over text this morning seemed like non apologies (they looked at first like those, “sorry you got offended” type things) and walking back without giving a clear explanation. I re-read it and maybe your first assumption is what she thought too it was right before they would have gone to bed. I’m going to call and get some clarification voice to voice. Text and lack of sleep maybe screwed some things up and I may have you to think for clearing up a miscommunication… That’s what I want it to turn out being at least.
I’ll give an update once I am able to call and sort things out.
Yeah i think they will be glad if you sincerely ask them what they were trying to say and give them a chance to calmly explain themselves. Im not saying you should always be forgiving, but as you said “texting” is often shit for communicating things like this.
I also personally wouldnt want someone to apologize to me, until they actually understand why i was hurt, because thats just not a sincere apology. I hope they didnt mean anything by it but good luck either way ^^
Thank you for helping me see things from another angle, I’ve cleared things up for the most part <3
I’m not sure if that’s right, but probably worth considering
Ask them what Jesus would do.
The correct answer is kicking over tables and whipping merchants.
Jesus or supply side Jesus?
They has risen
I’m not religious, but I’ll certainly risen to east a crap ton of brisket
In my household Jesus is nonbinary and their resurrection was the first day of their new life after transitioning.
all we’d like to do is just see family
Then do not bring other things up? Focus on that?
Well it is called the trans day of ignoring trans people after all, oh wait, it’s the trans day of visibility. I don’t think just mentioning it’s an awareness day is that big of a deal, would it also be a bad thing if a solar eclipse or something was happening on that day and I mentioned that? Unless there was a misunderstanding between us, the only possible explanation is social war bull.
Family involves interpersonal relationships, conversations, and discussions of importance to each other. You are missing the point of family if you think I have to put up and shut up. Chosen families exist because of the fact there are families where shutting up is the rule.
You do not bring up 500 others things that day stands for, but instead specifically that one topic. That is a clear message, amplified by the fact that it is Easter and not a random time of the year. I have no problem with that, don’t get me wrong, but I would assume that you do that on purpose and as such could understand negative reactions to such a statement, especially if there have been previous cases like that. That has (for me) nothing to do with whatever you bring up, just the fact that you bring XYZ up itself would already be mildly annoying to me. My uncle brought up some bullshit on the wedding of my brother and it annoyed everyone. It was simply not the right time and place.
look, maybe it was a little autistic of me to bring up that it was an important day to me too, given that I don’t explicitly celebrate easter and I was invited to a simple close family gathering of just my parents, siblings (well, sister, my brother disowned them and moved a thousand miles away) and I. It’s just us 5 as family up here. I’m tired and I’m just going to say I disagree with you on this for at least this circumstance.
I do know when to make the day special, I did go to my brothers wedding 2 years ago and made it all about him and his wife, I even gave a moving speech. I’ve gone to christmas and simply enjoyed the day and gave presents without mentioning I am a pagan and it’s “ackshually a pagan solstice holiday.”
On this instance I was just intending to highlight that day also ended up being an awareness day, for something directly tied to my identity, and that was as far as I ever intended for it to go.
When previously talking about your identity, how did they react?
Primarily awkwardly, and reluctantly accepting. I’ve been out since then, my name is legally changed and I pass to other people. They are working on accepting it, and they accept my trans partner as well, but they have an image of me of the past they have to set aside and I get that.
Hey, hi, did you know that Easter moves it’s bloody date every year and TDOV doesn’t? So while no, it’s not at a random time of the year, trans people didn’t exactly choose to plop TDOV right in there just to be edgy.
It was absolutely a normal thing to mention trans visibility day and you deserve to be seen by family too! I don’t think the person you’re replying to has much experience in being trans and navigating family so don’t take their response too seriously.
What do you mean, do not take it serious? If you just want to spend time with someone, do not bring up topics they do not like for no reason. Simple concept, regardless of the topic.
Yeah that’s an extreme oversimplification. For some trans people it’s not an option to ‘not bring up their transness’ because it’s about their identity and spending any time with someone who refuse to recognise that can be very a very dysphoric experience. Also in this case it’s about op’s parents. Is it really that hard to understand that op might want their own parents to recognise their identity?
Giving someone advice on a topic you are ignorant about can be harmful, so maybe don’t do that.
So you know about my experiences…? The hypocrisy.
something something doing brisket
im sowy this happend to you :< transphobic family is a bitch. i hope they will find queer god🙏
Bit sus that it went from a generic invite to a religious event after one text.
Sorry to hear your family are being buttheads. They at the least did you the favor of forecasting that they were going to be a buzz kill to hangout with.
That’s what really threw us for a loop too. They don’t act highly religious, I know they used to be but it’s been becoming more spiritual for them over time. We thought they were taking some religious high road over us being “degenerate.”
I think it may have been a miscommunication and them just saying they were planning on an easter dinner and thought we had explicit plans to observe a day of trans visibility. I’m at least going to go, and I’ll let my partner know so she can make her own choice given the clarification I got from a phone call.
Good luck on Sunday, hope they’re not buttheads to you! Don’t hold on to the misunderstanding (even if it wasn’t) from this message, and enjoy your briskets and dogs ^^
All you needed was an “also” in there to clarify it was an additional thing that day, not a replacement for their thing. Turning it into: “March 31st is also trans visibility day btw :)”
Doesn’t fix their bad initial assumption, but would help them in the right direction
