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The original was posted on /r/inceltear by /u/GargamelLeNoir on 2024-04-06 23:46:55.
I’m 38 and have been single for the immense majority of that time. I don’t want to be. For most of my life this has made me deeply sad but I’ve come to a series of realizations that made it so these days it only bums me out once in a while, more and more rarely. Hopefully that perspective can be helpful to others in that situation
It’s ok to have “shallow” physical standards
So we are all aware of how many incels openly want a cute girlfriend but are offended that so many girls want boys that are in shape. I was never that hypocritical but I did resent girls for not being attracted to average old me in favor of mates who were to my eyes obviously terrible. Conversely I felt terrible because all in all I’m a pretty picky guy. I don’t have that many crushes on girls. personality/intellect wise I’m very happy with my standards. I haven’t dated many girls but I’ve been happy with all relationships I had, they’re all lovely people (not just lifelong partners). But I’m also picky physically. There were a few times when some genuinely nice and clever girls seemed into me, but I just couldn’t reciprocate. I just didn’t see myself kissing them. I felt like a hypocrite and a choosing beggar.
But after a while I made an inventory. I analyzed my own standards and made sure I didn’t pursue these girls because I was not attracted to them, not because of the potential stigma of dating someone unattractive. Turns out I’m genuinely picky. I wish I was sapiosexual but I’m just not. So the conclusion is that it’s fine for me not to want to date a nice girl who’s not my type. And just the same it’s fine for girls not to find me attractive even for shallow reasons. No reason for shame OR resentment!
Being unable to find a mate doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you
I’m sad to say that I’ve seen some people on this very sub pushing that misconception, probably as an over-correction to the blackpill idea that it’s unfair that they’re alone. Finding a mate is ultimately a numbers game. You have the people you meet, minus the people who are out of your age range, not sexually compatible, not single, not your type, you not their type… That means that you could do everything right, meet a lot of people, take care of yourself, be respectful and never find a person for you. It’s unlikely but possible. And if it’s possible on a pool of billions of people it happens. This is something one can be sad about, but not something to be ashamed of. Most of the excluding criteria have nothing to do with your value as a person. There are a lot of lovely people who haven’t been able to find someone yet.
Protip: Ignore the opinions of people who got lucky and say it’s easy to find someone. if you just try They’re as useful as a lottery winner giving financial advice.
But like every numbers game the rational action to take is to maximize your odds by making yourself more dateable and by rolling the dice (meeting new people).
A lot of the pressure to be with someone is societal. More than we realize.
We all know that there is massive pressure for society to find someone, that’s obvious. But I thought I was above it because, well, I’m just that awesome and second because my family and friends aren’t the type to put pressure on the matter. But a few years ago I decided to move back from Paris to my hometown after 6 months. So of course I stopped looking for dates there since I was leaving, there was no reason to. And suddenly the crippling sadness that had been hounding me lifted almost entirely! I couldn’t and shouldn’t find a mate so there was no pressure anymore! I was absolutely shocked at how much of my sadness was due to my inability to fill that life requirement rather than just the lack of romance.
About how other people view you
In my experience people generally don’t care about your love life unless you do something terrible to a partner. You might obsess about how people gossip of what a sad loser you are for never getting a date but they really don’t. People who like you and see that it makes you sad probably feel bad about it but that’s about it. Their opinion of you comes from other factors.
Conversely people won’t really think much better of you if you manage to date someone super attractive. Someone who thinks you’re a loser will upgrade you to “loser who somehow landed an attractive mate”, which isn’t that much of a difference. So it’s really no reason to take their opinion into account when you’re considering someone who’s not for example conventionally attractive.
Being alone is still much better than being in a bad couple
We’re living with a record high number of single people. Because doomerism is trendy people tend to discuss why it’s just due to social media, the pandemic, and just a bad thing all around. But it’s also due to a very positive reason that is even a good thing for us lonely people (to a much lesser extent): we don’t have to be in a relationship! This is pretty new! For most of civilization people needed to be in couples just to handle both work and the house.
But now anyone can function alone. Women work. Men know how to manage a house. While the societal pressure to couple up is still very high it’s also been decreasing a ton. So we don’t have to get married with the first half decent person we can anymore. And that’s wonderful. I promise you that while being alone when you don’t want to can get very depressing and sad, being in a relationship that doesn’t work is soul crushing! And I tell you that from my experience with lovely people who just weren’t right for me (and my observations of much worse relationships). I’d rather stay alone the rest of my life than force myself to be with someone I wouldn’t be happy with. And so should you.
Managing the Shadow
In the TTRPG Wraith: The Oblivion the players are ghosts and have to contend with the worst part of them becoming self aware: the Shadow. The Shadow is the self destructive part of our brain that tell us we’re awful and irredeemable, that it’s unfair, that we should resent the world for it. The Shadow wants us to let ourselves drop in Oblivion and take others with us. I don’t know about you but that concept is absolutely true for me (although to a lesser degree since I’m not alive). I have a voice in my brain telling me that I’ll always be alone. It’s telling me that my lack of success with girls shows that I’m garbage and a human failure. It’s telling me that as shit as I am, women still choose guys who are even obviously worse and abusive and then have the gall to complain about them, etc, etc, you probably know that sentiment. In fact it should remind you of a certain ideology. By Wraith parlance people who fully follow the Black Pill are essentially Shadow Eaten, Spectres. Miserable creatures addicted to hatred and self loathing.
The thing is that the Shadow’s propositions are weirdly alluring. Like a comforting blanket of hatred and self loathing. So what do you do about it? You remind yourself of the points I mentioned earlier. It surprisingly feels kinda bad to do it, to not give into the Shadow, quite like when you just swallow back a surge of anger. But it’s worth it. Gradually the intellectual arguments get internalized. The Shadow gets starved. I rarely hear from my own Shadow anymore when I used to several times a day. Not that I expect it to ever fully go away even if I end up finding the right person.
Conclusion
It was a little long and very personal but I hope anyone who is in a position of being vulnerable to the black pill will find my experience helpful. And that you guys will check out Wraith or its more accessible sister game Orpheus, it’s an awesome setting.
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