I’m autistic. I didn’t know I was at the time, but I did know that I had a hard time making and keeping friends, and that people didn’t think of me “that way”. Or, if they did, I wasn’t aware of it. I had a very hard time understanding or following any kind of social conventions, or even understanding basic rules of society. I also had a lot of religious trauma from being raised in–and escaping–a cult, and I didn’t really have a good way to work through my batshit crazy beliefs that were still stuck in my head. Meanwhile, she was an opiate and cocaine addict; most of the people she dated were people that could supply her with drugs long term. I have a suspicion that she’s been a sex worker at at least some points in her life. At the time, we worked together closely.

I’ve changed a lot since then. Aside from the drugs, I’m pretty sure that I’m the kind of person now that she would have thrown herself at then. I’ve also grown up enough to realize that, first, what I was experiencing was a feeling called “limerance”, and second, that any relationship I would have had with her at that time would have been deeply destructive to me.