UPDATE: I think I found the name of one of my husband’s “friends” who have been using his ID and other property. I looked up the last name on Ancestry.com and the first name also appeared. Yep. My fifth cousin and his sons/relatives, have possibly been using his identity. I don’t know if they befriended him years ago, knowing they were related to me, or if this is new. They are older than both my husband and I. Either way, I’m glad I sold the house. They could be trying to take over it completely, like they did to the car I co-owned with my husband. They don’t seem to need any of his things. They apparently own a very profitable business in our local area. WTH, right?
ORIGINAL POST:
I had been debating it. I have been separated from my husband for years, and he has allowed his friends to use his identity and personal property while apart. I don’t really know if that’s legal, because they also carry his ID in their wallet at times. They would also threaten to have me labeled as crazy if I told police they weren’t my husband. This happened each time I was with one of them, and they had his license with them. People close to me told me to let it go. I just assumed it was a cruel joke by my husband. I figured he was under someone new and wanted me to get lost. Out of embarrassment and fear of being labeled up as crazy by his friends, I just let it go.
After explaining all of this to other Lemmy readers, I was encouraged to take action and report him missing. I don’t want to waste the time of law enforcement, if he is just playing a cruel joke on me, and happens to be with a new woman. So, I emailed the law enforcement office in his home town (town where he went to high school and his mother still resides). I told them everything that I just explained in this post, about the situation. I am now awaiting a reply. It isn’t an official police report. It is just an inquiry. If they tell me not to file a report, then I’ll just let it go, I guess. I don’t know who is working for that law enforcement office. It could even be some of his former classmates from high school. It would be terrible if they are in on his joke (if that’s what this is). It isn’t a joke to me, though. I’ve been physically abused by both my husband, and his friends since about 2012. My husband never hit me before we married. We never even argued. It’s scary how people can change.
Anyway, I hope they can find him. Maybe I can file for divorce for a third time. Maybe this time he’ll appear at all court dates. I was raised Catholic, and this won’t look good to everyone, but at this point, it will look even worse if he gets into another fight, or has a DUI and someone dies. I could be liable for his actions.
You shouldn’t need him to show at court to divorce him. Your lawyer should know that. If he doesn’t sign the papers you should be able to get the court to proceed by showing that he was notified. Get a new lawyer.
That’s what I thought. Since he attended arbitration and said he would be attending the last court date, they said it couldn’t move on without him. I was there, and they tried to mark us both absent. I pleaded with the court to let it go through, despite his absence. They said he had to be there.
You have been given the reason for this at least two other times in your other threads. This is because it was arbitration. You need to file for divorce based on being abandoned. Your lawyer will know how to proceed to have it completed with him in absentia.
I know. I realize that. I can’t afford a lawyer at the moment.
Do all your husband’s friends look like him?
Regardless, good luck!
They look similar, but the wedding photo really reveals the differences. His friends are mostly Scottish and Irish, like I am, and it shows in their features. My husband is pretty much only Eastern European. He is very pale, and does not freckle at all.
Are you not divorced? Why three times?
You should call any process server or private investigator and have them do a “skip trace.”
Might cost you $75.
Reading your post, my first thought was “this dude’s friends murdered him and are using his ID to prevent it from being discovered.” I would file a police report.
I would probably hire a lawyer to sue the friends under what in my state is called a bill of discovery, which is a lawsuit for the purpose of conducting discovery to see if evidence exists to support a law suit.
Either way, if he ghosted, I’d go to probate court with an affidavit and have him declared dead. Widows don’t need to file divorce.
That might be the way to go. I can’t risk having his friends screw me over by using his ID. I could be liable for any damage they do.
Why would anyone judge you for divorcing a man who abused you and then abandoned you? Get a divorce and disentangle from anyone who gives you shit for it.
Why would your husband let other people use his identity and property?
I thought he was doing so as either a cruel joke on me, or as a means of trading places so he could see some other woman. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is found to be living with some other woman now, with a new family on the side.
I think I may be confused. You were living with him and he was swapping identities with friends to fool you? Am I missing something?
They would come in with his wallet, keys, and were driving his car between about 2012 and 2017. They would usually yell at me, and start taking food from the fridge. One of them made himself a sandwich, sat at our kitchen table, and then gave himself a EPI pen injection between screaming at me and eating his snack. The EPI pen was left on the table by my husband, who had experienced an allergic reaction in 2012. I never knew when they were going to be using the place! They would either leave, immediately after that, or I would leave and go to my mom’s house.
So why not just call the cops? They don’t look that much like my husband. They have a full beard that is a chestnut color. My husband CANNOT grow a full beard to save his life, and he can even tell you that. His facial hair is not a chestnut brown, either. It is really obvious when they try to use his identity, but to a stranger that cards them, or asks for ID, they would probably overlook it. I have tried so many times to explain this to strangers, and they just don’t seem to understand, or care. As soon as his friends would walk into my apartment, or my house (that I later bought), I would start packing a bag. I would begin gathering things for my children, placing it in bags and diaper bags, in preparation to stay at my mom’s house. I felt like I was being chased out of my own home!
At one point, in 2014, I called his mom about it. One of them came in to my house, with his wallet, phone, and keys, and announced he was staying the night. I called his mom and told her that. His mom said something was going on, but that I should just go along with it. She actually discouraged me from calling the police about them. They began using his things long-term, after 2014. I filed for divorce in 2015, after my husband choked me in our house during a disagreement. We had been discussing my newborn daughter, just days after I had birthed her. He became upset, grabbed me by the face and throat, and shoved my daughter’s small knitted hat down my throat, while I was holding her in my arms. I called the police and they cited him, as well as fingerprinted him. I still have a copy of the temporary restraining order that was in place against him.
Our divorce was dismissed, despite this. I was pressured by several people, even my aunt, to reconcile with him, for the sake of the children. We later got back together, due to all of the family pressure. We sold our house. My husband was there for that event. We then bought another house, and my husband was there for that, too. He met the realtor with me.
Soon after we moved into that house, he disappeared. His friends were suddenly there, using his things, within a couple of months. I wasn’t given an explanation, or any notice! All I can figure is that he calls his friends when he needs to leave. Either he is in trouble, or he just wants to go have fun without any of his responsibilities stopping him from doing that.
My husband and I are opposite types. He really liked to party, and was into different things before I met him. He has been to raves, and has told me about the things he did at raves that weren’t exactly legal. I didn’t like to party. I still don’t. I liked to stay home and study in my early twenties. I loved college. He hated it, and dropped out. I am a morning person. He prefers to be a night owl and play video games at night. I’d rather go to bed early. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was into something that was illegal and it resulted in him needing to share his identity with his friends. I began to suspect that he was into drugs at one point because he claimed he took all of his pain meds in one day, after having a vasectomy through the spousal coverage on my health insurance plan. I tried to have him donate blood with me, several times. I usually go every eight weeks when I am in my local area. He would always refuse. He began telling me that his ex gf would never ask him to do that, and begin telling me how she was JW. He even began talking to her online, through social media. It sounded like they met up between a couple of his evening appointments, when he worked as a salesman. Maybe that is the person he is with now. Who knows.
Since he and his friends outnumber me, no one seems to care when I complain about any of this. He’s popular, and has a bunch of friends and family covering for him. They can just make me seem like I’m overreacting if they all band together. I’m just the nagging wife that’s weighing him down if I ruin his party.
Wow. That was a lot. I’m not trying to insult you, I’m just concerned. A lot of what you’re saying doesn’t add up logically and sounds an awful lot like legitimate abuse you’re undergoing coupled with some mental illness somewhere in the equation.
First off, if your husband is abusing you in any way, get yourself and children away as soon as you can. Secondly, please talk to a mental health professional. There’s no shame in getting checked out. It’s possible a lot of the anguish you’re describing can be addressed by therapy and/or medication. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds terrifying, but it’s clear to me that you need some assistance.
If you ever post about being abused, I’ll ignore your post then. I’ll just assume that you’re mentally ill. It’s what you would have wanted.
Please don’t misunderstand. I don’t doubt that you’re dealing with abuse. It just sounds like you also need to talk to a professional. Have you ever talked to someone about what you’re going through?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I hired a marriage counselor in 2013, and drove my husband to marriage counseling. He didn’t want to go. My insurance through my job covered it, and once I explained that if we didn’t go, it would probably lead to us getting divorced, he agreed to go. I think we went to one or two sessions, and then he didn’t want to go anymore.
Good luck with the divorce!
You should feel nothing but pride in divorcing an abuser. It’s hard, it’s scary, and it’s good
