Since the COVID and the war with Ukraine I drink regularly. I manage it somehow, doing hobbies, work, stuff. I don’t put my anger off on others, even ones who I hate. I keep it inside, and I drink.
But I find out there’s one unnerving thing. I can’t feel that I reek of alcohol. And I turn subconsciously suspective of others if they hear the smell. Nearly combatative at times. Everyone knows that I smell like vodka, I start to see it in their words, gestures. I become paranoid. They all know what I don’t, and I hate them.
And my partner doesn’t help it. They want me to be sober, but they only ask if I’ve bought booze on the end of the day. Either way if I did or didn’t, I feel shame and want to drink myself to not feeling anything anyway. They care about me, but I don’t feel like caring about myself. Why they even got to me, of all people, a fucking piece of shit going mental? I feel sorry for them and that many things that they do, I don’t deserve them at all.
I’m sitting on the attic with a bottle of vodka, there are four spiders I came across and a hidden hole that some bird picked as her nest. I heard the sounds of nervous moving and I wonder if they got her. I can’t access her location, and I wonder if four little spiders can take a bird. The closest date I’d discover her is the next spring. She’d either leave or die there. One of the subjects jumped onto my leg so I shoved it off. I wish this bird best.
I wish myself worst, for I’m useless.
I’m a recovered addict/alcoholic 11 years sober. I think one of the reasons I’m still sober is I remember the terrible feeling of going to bed every night not wanting to drink or use, yet every morning I would be calling my plug or immediately picking up a bottle.
I highly recommend attending an AA meeting. In the beginning they will likely ask if it’s anyone’s first time at an AA meeting. As awkward as you might feel, raise your hand. The topic should then be geared towards the newcomer, exactly what you want to hear. When the meeting was over, talk to someone. They will listen to you with out judging and share their experiences with the same thing.
As an alcoholic, my problem wasn’t the drink or drug. My problem was that I wasn’t content in my own skin and wanted anything to change the way I felt. Alcohol was just a solution, and the solution stopped working.
I won’t lie and tell you everything is rainbows and sunshine since I got sober, but my quality of life has drastically changed. I have self worth and can sit comfortably in my own skin.
Seeking therapy is also something I highly recommend if you can afford it.
If you have any other questions or just want to talk, please dm me. If you’re in the Houston area, I can take you to a meeting.
DMed, thank you.