Don’t forget the inevitable “3 months ago we were made aware of a breach of the BONTO! servers. What information was taken? Bet you’d like to know wouldn’t you. What have we done about this situation? Fuck you, that’s what.”
BUT . . .But. To make it up to you we’ve also sold your info to a “Privacy Lock” company who will sell you something imaginary for as long as you pay them. That’ll totally fix it.
3 months later; privacy lock company is breached
Oh it was an Eastern European shell this whole time and they have my social security number for some reason
23 and Me customer here, and I couldn’t relate more. When I reached out to support to ask what data was stolen and how much they were planning on compensating me for having my genome leaked to the web, their answer was basically “We have no idea what you’re talking about. lol fuck you”
You can’t use this service unless you give us your social security number. Whoops! Your SSN was stolen three months ago and we just found out.
Don’t forget the 4500 emails suggesting you upgrade to slorp pro-premium-plus-max
You make fun of this but I really had bonto pro-premium-plus-max and it comes with many benefits like not getting these mails anymore
Then when you finally upgrade to premium plus max lifetime, the acquisition happens and lifetime licenses get cancelled.
“You have 17 messages in your Slorp-box! Click here to log in”
“Loser McDouchebag from high school recently Slorped! Click here to read it!”
And, after the rebranding: “Someone looked at your BONTO! profile! Want to know who? Get BONTO! Premium and send them a BONTO!-Gram! Remember, this could be the beginning of something wonderful! Get it now for only $9,99 (first 6 months, conditions apply)!”
And if you already did, then you’re really missing out on the pro lifetime plan that includes a lifetime license!*
^(* lifetime license only valid until we release the next version in 2 months)
*Your 2FA login code for SLORP
*Your password reset link for SLORP
*Your password reset link for SLORP
*You have (2) new messages from other SLORP users
*There has been a login attempt from a new device on SLORP
*Your SLORP password may have been compromised
I always get 4 fucking emails when I login into firefox on a new device
Click here to unsubscribe from Slorp marketing emails. First log in. Forgot password? Click here to reset. Hmm, doesn’t appear to be a user account with that email address. Create an account? Check your email for the activation link. Confirm your contact information. Consent to tracking cookies? Manage notifications. Unsubscribe from all? We’re sad to see you go!
You could just do the “report spam” if the unsubscribe link doesn’t immediately work.
Yeah, the CAN-SPAM act, as far as I understand it, doesn’t allow them to force you to make an account just to unsubscribe.
Thats assuming they obey it, and that its US based and under US law jurisdiction.
and as I learned with the national do not call registry, it is utterly meaningless and does nothing to prevent the issue at the best of times.
It’s surprising how often they don’t comply. I think for while adobe was asking me for a login to unsubscribe, which I couldn’t remember or be bothered to reset the password for. They seem to have changed it recently. Maybe a lawyer realized they were exposed to class action
I always report spam without unsubscribing. It fks up their score with google.
That, and there’s a high likelyhood the only thing the unsubscribe button would do is giving the spammers the valuable information that this email address is actually in use.
like answering a spam call. all it does is register a good number and amplify the spam.
Same here. Is there any way to disable the prompt entirely and always just report?
Every platform with enough technical resources should support one click unsubscribe.
I never understood the concept of making it difficult to unsubscribe. Marketers have a hard enough time getting users to open email at all. Let users help you clean up your subscriber list with an easy opt out to reduce your send cost and improve deliverability.
/> reset password
“hmm, there doesn’t appear to be a user account with that email address”
/> Makes new account
“User account with that email exists. Reset password?”
Try password
Incorrect credentials
Reset password
Fill in the password you want
Password can’t be the same as previous password
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Fill in the new password
Password must contain at least one special character
Fill in the new password
Password cannot contain @
Fill in the new password
Password must contain at least one number
Fill in the new password
You have attempted too many attempts at resetting your password and are now locked out of your account. To unlock your account please call 1-800-FUCK-YOU between 8:32 and 9:46 AM Eastern time.
Slorp? That’s a weird way to spell Twitch.
Remember when email was useful? I remember when it was magical!
Time for a story from the ancient times. I had this idea and asked my professor for advice. He said he knew a person on the other side of the world who would know all about it. “This is his ‘email’ address.”
I had never heard about ‘email’ so I needed to learn what it was and how to send one. I wrote my message and off it went. The very next morning I had a reply. One of the best experts on a topic I was keen about had shared their thoughts from the other side of the world, just like that.
In that time, a long time ago as you’ll appreciate, that interaction was magical.
In an instant I understood the power of the Usenet. A while later and with a couple of additional protocols they started calling that the Internet.
Usenet is now INTERNET!
…
…
The INTERNET is shutting down (?)The Usenet actually still exists.
I remember in like 1997 or so, my friend’s dad got VoIP working on his computer, and we would talk to random people from around the world. I still have fond memories of my first conversation. It was someone in Australia! All the way on the other side of the planet, and we were talking in real time, FOR FREE! I’ve been a computer nerd ever since.
Heh, that’s nostalgia. I always wonder what the young people of today’s equivalent will be. Probably something quantum.
There is no equivalent, because it’s not new, and even if it was, it’s monetized and manipulative. The internet back then was wide open, free as fuck, and completely new!
I was specifically referring to the ability to communicate in writing at that speed. I guess the telegraph technically existed as well, but it was expensive and awkward.
What’s writing? Is that a new feature on TikTok?
And couldn’t reach across oceans, required special training, and only accommodated short messages because of the tedious nature of signaling.
You could definitely send telegraphs overseas, and sending or receiving them required no training.
and sending or receiving them required no training.
If you mean paying someone to send them, then sure. But it required learning Morse code, and learning to use a keyer.
You couldn’t send them overseas until after
the invention of radio. Before that the signal traveled along a wirethey laid the transatlantic cable.The first transatlantic telegraph cable was laid down in 1854 and radio waves weren’t even theorized until 1873… https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transatlantic_telegraph_cable
The only way you were keying in a telegram yourself is if you worked for them.
The pre-Google YouTube is probably the closest thing I can think of. And just a time before when everything about the Internet was about profit.
Back when Google were cool.
Google was the absolute coolest for a while. It’s a damn shame what they’ve become. Fuck you Sundar Pichai!
Yeah, man. Good times. Good times.
Business contaminates everything useful with endless appeals to your attention.
Every goddamn time…
☐ I would like to be contacted for marketing purposes
Next day…
Here’s that marketing email you requested!
I’d argue that email is as useful as regular mail. I get about 2 letters a year written by a person. The rest is bills and marketing.
Email is basically a central notification hub for users, and I’d much prefer that than having to log into each specific app to be notified of things.
Love these anti-features
Linkedin also send you emails even if you repeatedly turn them off
Add it to your spam filter. Have it auto forward the email to LinkedIn’s customer support email with a request that they stop if you wanna be extra.
Honey, I live to be extra.
Ooo baby, extra is my middle name
me too! look at us, we’re fucking fabulous. LinkedIn should fear us.
Last I checked LinkedIn doesn’t even have a way of straight up turning all emails off. I had to individually turn off email notifications on bazillion categories. …Then they just invented more categories.
Click. Report spam. Just as it deserves.
Heh that button is sacrosanct for me. If capitalism goaded me into signing up for LinkedIn, and thus fully cognizant agreeing with the site’s ToS, I’mma unsubscribe when I don’t like their mailings.
But if that unsubscribe request gets ignored? Going HAM clicking Spam. Also I won’t touch phishing emails on mobile so I can click Report Phishing from desktop (thanks Gmail).
signs into portal
ding!
“New sign-on to Grek Ultra Product Manager Plus!”
Why is this the default
“Security alert: Login from a new unknown device!” - it’s the same computer on the same network as the previous 300 logins!
How dare you use a browser that doesn’t let us track the fuck out of you! Delete cookies and cache every time!?
You deserve this.
ie. Fuck you for deleting our cookies
That automatically expires after 30 days anyway. So even if you didn’t do it, we did.
“Thank you for your pre-paid lifetime subscription to Slorp! Unfortunately, after the acquisition by BONTO!, we have made the difficult decision not to honor these Slorp Platinum accounts going forward. But please enjoy a 15% discount on your first month of BONTO! Premium+! (Have you seen our stock price?)”
(Have you seen our class action?)
I remember when Slorp was Qooble.
Man I miss good old Qooble.
Qooble took a shit after it bought up Aoyel
They went too big too soon. The real nail in the coffin though was the merger with Floop.
THats not true, its also a bunch of
“HOT DEAILS ON (item you just talked to a friend about half an hour ago that they somehow magically know about in ways that should terrify every fucking person within 500 feet of a digital device) AT HOTDEALS426424346423.COM.CO.EU.RU/HOTDEALS/TOTALLYNOTASCAM/SUCKERSCLICKTHIS/HOTDEAL4U.COM”
edit
I did not intend that to resolve to a clickable link, lol.
Love that Firefox highlights this cursed domain name
Oh don’t worry, testing if a string is a valid URL is easy, just use the following easy to remember regular expression:
spoiler
/^[a-z](?:[-a-z0-9\+\.])*:(?:\/\/(?:(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:])*@)?(?:\[(?:(?:(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){6}(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:[0-9a-f]{1,4}|(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])(?:\.(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])){3})|::(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){5}(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:[0-9a-f]{1,4}|(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])(?:\.(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])){3})|(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4})?::(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){4}(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:[0-9a-f]{1,4}|(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])(?:\.(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])){3})|(?:(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){0,1}[0-9a-f]{1,4})?::(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){3}(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:[0-9a-f]{1,4}|(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])(?:\.(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])){3})|(?:(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){0,2}[0-9a-f]{1,4})?::(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){2}(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:[0-9a-f]{1,4}|(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])(?:\.(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])){3})|(?:(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){0,3}[0-9a-f]{1,4})?::[0-9a-f]{1,4}:(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:[0-9a-f]{1,4}|(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])(?:\.(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])){3})|(?:(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){0,4}[0-9a-f]{1,4})?::(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:[0-9a-f]{1,4}|(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])(?:\.(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])){3})|(?:(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){0,5}[0-9a-f]{1,4})?::[0-9a-f]{1,4}|(?:(?:[0-9a-f]{1,4}:){0,6}[0-9a-f]{1,4})?::)|v[0-9a-f]+\.[-a-z0-9\._~!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:]+)\]|(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])(?:\.(?:[0-9]|[1-9][0-9]|1[0-9][0-9]|2[0-4][0-9]|25[0-5])){3}|(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=])*)(?::[0-9]*)?(?:\/(?:(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:@]))*)*|\/(?:(?:(?:(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:@]))+)(?:\/(?:(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:@]))*)*)?|(?:(?:(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:@]))+)(?:\/(?:(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:@]))*)*|(?!(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:@])))(?:\?(?:(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:@])|[\x{E000}-\x{F8FF}\x{F0000}-\x{FFFFD}\x{100000}-\x{10FFFD}\/\?])*)?(?:\#(?:(?:%[0-9a-f][0-9a-f]|[-a-z0-9\._~\x{A0}-\x{D7FF}\x{F900}-\x{FDCF}\x{FDF0}-\x{FFEF}\x{10000}-\x{1FFFD}\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}\x{50000}-\x{5FFFD}\x{60000}-\x{6FFFD}\x{70000}-\x{7FFFD}\x{80000}-\x{8FFFD}\x{90000}-\x{9FFFD}\x{A0000}-\x{AFFFD}\x{B0000}-\x{BFFFD}\x{C0000}-\x{CFFFD}\x{D0000}-\x{DFFFD}\x{E1000}-\x{EFFFD}!\$&'\(\)\*\+,;=:@])|[\/\?])*)?$/i\x{20000}-\x{2FFFD}\x{30000}-\x{3FFFD}\x{40000}-\x{4FFFD}
It seems like all that unicode shenanigans could be simplified with the proper character class.
Regex are love; regex are life.
Slorp has detected that you haven’t opened our emails for a long time. It’s very important to slorp that you keep your contact information updated. Please login Here to verify your slorp account details.
– the fact slorp gets upset that I have tracking pixels disabled so they can’t monitor my email usage is one big reason they can go slorp themselves
Hold up, tracking pixels? What the fuck is that and how do I disable it.
make sure your email client has loading external images disabled.
It seems like it’s been a while since you last checked in with BONTO! We’d love your feedback on how we can improve. Log in to get started!
You forgot the part where BONTO leaks user information, and now you get a torrent of spam…
