If you haven’t heard this cliche while discussing your neurodivergency with someone, then I envy your luck. Yesterday I fucked up, I feel shitty, but also I am pissed.
Our brains are impulsive af and tend to forget the most important information. We mess up, our RSD (and empathy) kicks in, we feel terrible, we vow to be more careful, but guess what? Thats fucking exhausting.
As a result, we start overthinking our every waking moment, stressing over every little thing. Because, we are trying to be aware of the things we cannot perceive.
At some point, hopefully we realize that we cannot live like that, and we start to arbitrarily ignore our compulsion to overthink. Most often that works out great because most often the threat is not real, but sometimes we make the wrong call.
The times we overthink are still more than the times we do not, and we still mess up. Let us have our fucking peace.
I mostly agree, but (what else ^^):
IMO you do take responsibility when you tell others about your boundaries and how they can work around them. If they don’t want to because it also costs them a little bit of energy and disrupts their typical workflows they have (again: IMO) no right to blame it all on you. If I tell them “I can’t do X” or something and they again and again expect me to do X, it’s also on them.
Simple example: I tell colleagues, family, whatever to please remind me again if they feel I missed something they expected of me. If they do, all is good. If they later are pissed that I missed something and immediately blame me … sorry my friend, I warned you. (If I had the ability to set a reminder, sure that’s on me for not doing that. But it doesn’t always work that way.)
There are times in our lives when people will need to rely on us. Whether or not you tell them that you are unreliable, or ask that they remind you; it is reasonable for them to be upset if you wind up letting them down. You are not immune from blame. It doesn’t suddenly become their fault for relying on you when you mess up. It is still you who messed up.
If you tell them you can’t do what they rely on you to do, then no, you haven’t fucked up, they have fucked up. They should not have relied on you. When you promise someone to do something and you don’t, yeah, then you fucked up, but if you don’t do that, then it’s 100% their fault.
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You can’t shed all responsibilities or obligations, but most of them you can. In the end, it only depends on what your goals are. Do you want healthy, happy children? Then you’ll probably have to do something for that. If not though? Then you don’t. You can get by with a lot of “what if I just don’t?”
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In the case of children i would say that having them in the first place(in majority of cases) is a promise that they can rely on you so it is kind of a bad example
yeah, but “I have ADHD, so I’ll never be on time” is a very shitty excuse. You waste other people’s time.
“I have ADHD, so I hate queuing, so I’m not going with you to that famous museum” is boundaries.
don’t confuse boundaries with expecting everyone around you to put up with your symptoms all the time.
There’s also a big difference between “I’ll never be on time” and “there will be times I’m late because I have adhd”. But seriously if someone can’t handle my adhd symptoms I don’t expect them to, but they should also not expect me to care that they can’t deal with them. Because I don’t.
Why the fuck is that not a valid excuse? It can be impossible to find sufficient support and adjustments to enable yourself to reliably arrive on time, saying shit like this is a great way to make people who are already struggling feel even more worthless, jesus christ.
Yeah sure, you can’t expect people to literally always be able to accomodate every struggle everyone may have, but to just summarily say “deal with it” is so heartless…
You can always, always, plan things in a way that you’re an hour ahead of schedule. And you’ll be on time. Or like 30 min too early.
It’s your struggle and you can deal with it in a way that’s costly to you or to everyone around you.
And the trend this days seems to completely utterly ignore your symptoms, develop zero coping mechanisms, and then rant on lemmy about the cruel society.
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But … that was the point. “Telling them your boundaries” implies not accepting something you are not up to. My managers know that I am not a good manager myself. I have a lot of qualities, at being a driving force in a project is not among them. So they don’t utilize me for that. Which is good.
Yes, it would be on me if I constantly tell them “sure, just let me handle it” and then not handle it. But that would be the opposite of what I wrote above.