I don’t know where the purpose of my life is. I looked where I last saw it and it isn’t there anymore. It’s like losing your keychain. All I can do is hope I forgot it somewhere at home because I sure can’t go outside without it. I wanna find joy in things again, and it is so difficult to get you shit together when everything feels so meaningless.
The more I look for the keys the more I fear I lost them for good. Which makes me not wanna search for them at all and just distract myself with random stuff. I think that describes my situation quite well.
Anyway I’m sad. But I hope you all are doing okay!
this too shall pass…
No really, I dont know if you are medicated or not, but I lean on my Zoloft to keep me from the abyss. I spend every day in a state of a million micro shames, and expectation of disappointing the people around me.
Step over a pile of laundry, shame. Tell some one I will finish something and I dont, that look on their face of “here comes the excuse.”
I have to make a choice, and that is that I refuse to let these moments of shame and feelings of personal failure to compound or be additive. I cannot control my past actions, I can only try to provide a structure for improved success in the future. I also choose to not postpone joy. I try to take moments and find moments where I can experience even the smallest bit of joy. That first sip of coffee, the sound of crickets and cicadas as the sun goes down, a cool breeze.
I am also working to redefine me in respect to who I am and move that away from my job. I used to just be my job, now my job is something I do for part of my day but its not me. I enjoy building things and tinkering, I enjoy playing with legos as an adult.
So TLDR, dont postpone joy, accept the shame of your failures but dont bring it with you into the next moment. Happiness is 80% a choice and its easier to make with medical assistance.
thanks a lot for your words!
it feels like it is so much labor and I am exhausted. it never really sticks, it keeps slipping away. I wish it was easier
I would really really recommend not underestimating the importance of medical treatment. It took me 4 tries to find the right medication (turns out an NDRI, not an SSRI, did the trick) to discover that actually, “normal” people are basically happy by default?? Like instead of it being this elusive reward that I had to work hard for, it’s like I can consciously hold on to my positive emotions and let go of the negative ones. Also, basic tasks that were endless nightmares before (laundry, cooking, phone calls) are now stress-free and even kind of satisfying?
I had the right tools before, like supportive friends, enough education about radical acceptance and coping skills, and a physically healthy routine, but it didn’t seem to help. And that makes sense now because it turns out, it barely matters how much happy chemicals your brain makes if it’s going to immediately throw them away. Not trying to tell you what to do (am neither a doctor nor a therapist) but I’m wondering if that’s what’s going on with you too.
The right meds are absolutely key in my experience
Oh man, I am not alone! You just described my experience so well. Micro shames. It’s the perfect term. I am so hard on myself for almost everything I say. I try to tell myself that almost certainly no one gives a second thought to anything I have said in a given time frame. But still I sit here and judge and dwell on my micro shames.