I am a strong and disciplined person. I put in the effort to make sure my future is better. I’m fat so I’m working out. I have acne so I’m doing skincare. There are other areas in my life, such as college and my hobbies, where I’m also putting in the time and energy in improving and learning.

But I’m focused right now on my physical appearance because it is something I am insecure about. For almost a year now I have been in the gym consistently 4-5 times a week. I’ve begun doing a skincare routine for 4 months. And I know it’s going to take time to look the way I want to look, so I am willing to invest in all of that even if it might take me long.

The issue now is finding self-acceptance. I hate how I look. I look ugly. I look like someone you don’t want to spend time with. Someone told me “if you don’t like the way your life is right now then do something about it” and that motivates me everyday. I work so hard for myself and I try to love myself, and I do love myself. But it hurts me when I look in the mirror and I see that I have acne and that I’m fat. Although there has been improvement, I still have acne and I’m fat.

I want it so bad. I want to improve my appearance. I was handsome before. And how I look now is NEVER going to stop me from working towards my goals. It’s the self-loathing, it’s the understanding that because I am not the way I want to look right now then I am not worthy of anybody’s time and attention.

I wear a hoodie every time I go outside because I feel ugly. I don’t approach anyone or make any friends because I look like I’m lame. Appearance matters a lot in this world and I am not going to beg and put effort in trying to get other people to give me a chance in getting to know me behind my looks.

I’m so aware that I look unattractive and boring. All the nice clothes I have are wasted on me because my face isn’t how I want it to be.

How can I accept me if I am not yet the man I am working to become? I am patient, but it hurts when it hurts. (Not everything is about looks, I know, but the man I want to become are both the positive traits I desire to have and looks).

I try to love myself and some days it’s really easy, but the insecurity about the way I look is still there. I want to be myself unapologetically. I want to be proud and to show my face with no shame.

I don’t want to reject myself because of my looks, but I’ve been doing that even when I didn’t want to.

How can I not let my insecurities get under my skin?