I only treat her like a chimp. I tried every advice the psychotherapist gave and nothing worked.
I wanted to move out, but she and my father insisted that work/school balance was extremely difficult and expensive. It wasn’t back then. They were both just lonely and didn’t want to lose their pet child. I ran from home at 21.
That first conflict at 23yo, was because my childhood cat died from inaction. My sister and I were visiting her and my sister noticed him being sluggish and weak. His breathing sounded laboured. So we booked an appointment at the vet. An hour or so later, he stumbled in gasping for breath and meowing weakly in between. We rushed him to the nearest vet clinic, but he didn’t make it.
He had a persistent cough for months leading up to it, but since we only visited her on occasion, we didn’t realise. In hindsight, her complaining about the cat pooping indoors and refusing to climb over the fence to a spot the neighbourhood dedicated to outdoor cats, should have raised alarm bells. I failed him.
Two days or so after his passing, I tried talking to my mother about what signs to look for and when to take pets to the vet. As always, she needs to have her way and tried to brush me off. Over and over I kept trying her to focus to no avail. For the first time, I saw red and seeing fear in her eyes. I did not get physical though, even though I would probably have had she continued to brush me off and shift blame of Timo’s death on me.
Needless to say, nothing changed. Another cat died from possibly a heart condition she ignored when the cat “seemed exhausted and too tired to walk” on their daily evening stroll. “He went limb when I picked him up.” Adding to it she mentioned how he seemed fin the next day, so she let him outside. 3 days later he was found under a bush, long dead. There probably wasn’t anything we could do to save him, but the fact she just ignored it despite undrrstanding he became unwell. is just how impossible it is to get her to do anything outside her whims. Mind you, I pay the vet bills. So it wasn’t even her money she’d be spending on a visit!
To this day, pets to her are just something to have to fill loneliness. Adopted a cat with PTSD, which she knew about before agreeing. She wanted to “get rid of him” because he was “stupid and retarded.” Pawn him off over a hand-me-down website or to a shelter. Chimp mode is what made her keep the cat. Threatning her with animal protection and that I would make sure she’d never have pets again, is what worked. Reasoning did not.
The cat is doing well now. He still has PTSD, but he loves the outdoors and after weeks of feeding him, he becomes cuddly with you. He also loves my mom now, so she is happy about it too. It took 2-3 months of gradually building his trust.
My mom has always used fear to get her way. When we were young, she’d use a belt to dicipline us. When my sister was 4, she beat her till bruising with a stick for walking away. She walked away after my mother left her alone to sit on a chair for 30min. A 4 year old cannot wait that long.
As we got older, she added manipulative tactics. Though she used different methods, implying violence while shifting blame was her go-to method. Kept us docile and we thought we had deserved it. As she also brought us up in a cult that believed in karma. Our dad was a coward and avoided every conflict with her.
That programming doesn’t just go away. And “simply living your life” back then seemed impossible. My sister, our dad and I are all close to no contact. I only ever talk to her when she needs help. I despise her, but I also know her history and what made her so cruel. Last time I was there was when the neighbourhood has a gas leak problem. So they were without heating. Brought her my electric heater and taught her how to use it. I hate her, but letting the old bitch sleep in the cold is going too far. Hadn’t spoken with her in 4 months by that time.
She doesn’t respect boundaries. Never takes no for an answer and guilt trips you if you’re not careful. So my sister and I speak out, she doesn’t respect it and always starts pressing our buttons to get her way. At which point, I walk away.
My sister avoids all contact nowadays after she threw a rock hard loaf of “spelt” bread at our mom. Our mom deserved it after trying to ridicule and emotionally hurt my sister. Implying she was stupid for not listening to our mother’s endless commands. That she had deserved it when her sunglasses fell off the table. Which fell off the table because our mother had pushed them off by accident after placing her bag on the table.
Chimp mode is what we call losing our patience and seeking conflict. I got physical thankfully only once after she had locked the front door and I didn’t have a key to open it to get out. All because she wanted me to stay for lunch and followed me around trying to convince me to stay. I tried to walk away after she tried to paint my dad in a bad light for “wanting to abort me.” Which I already knew. What got me livid was the complete disrespect towards me in the way she said it, brushed me off and gave multiple improv bullshit reasons when I pressed for details. I knew that she wasn’t telling the whole story and that there was a reason she’d casually mention it point blank.
In hindsight she only said it because she was jelous that my dad and I were getting closer (he was an absent father).
Only recently I found out that she did have an abortion. She aborted my older brother because she didn’t want a son. She was and still is that controlling.
She’ll never change. At best, she might be able to learn something. I made progress with her, and found a way to get her attention and be receptive. The opposite of chimp mode if you will. Takes a lot of energy and it’s like navigating a minefield. The recent year my life’s had more shit than I could handle. I do not have the energy or mental fortitude to tolerate her enough to try to improve our relationship again. 5 minutes ot teaching her how to use the heater was too much already.
Effective communication does not exist with people who have 0 attention span and unwillingness to cooperate. Probably due to some form undiagnosed ADHD and personality disorder(s). We think PTSD and something in the borderline corner. It’s why we think aggression/hostility/direct conflict is the only thing she responds to. The only thing that gets her to back off. Chimp mode protects.
This^
My GP called to mock and say she hadn’t called the crisis help for an appointment yet. Two weeks she let fly by. No doubt more if it wasn’t for a family member calling her.