“I am fucking the fucking Queen!!” Euron shouted at the crew of the Silence not for the first time that afternoon. The crew was eyeing him warily as the ingrates often did these days. “My king captain, is this wise?” asked his First Mate. For a second Euron wondered how his First mongrel was even talking to him. Hadn’t all tongues been ripped out by mine very own hands? Euron thought in spite of his excitement. But who cares! This is gonna be epic.

“Fucking epic,” he muttered with a half-smile as he shoved his latest First Mate overboard and downed an entire casket of Dornish red in a single gulp.

Wise? The plan was perfect. Qyburn had been crafty enough to make him the biggest, fattest ballista bolt in the Seven Kingdoms. Fat enough for him to sit on in fact. At the tip, a big, glistening purple steel head. At the base, two big deerskin leather sacks. “Countereights” Qyburn had told him. Euron was pretty confident he would be able to guide the shaft straight into the black dragon’s moist heart—full penetration too—without need for bloody counterweights, but he had been too busy laughing at his own eunuch jokes and forgot to push back against their addition.

There was no time to waste now. Qyburn’s hard bolt was loaded and throbbing in the ballista just as the soft winds began to carry the unmistakable sound of dragon wings. There’s plenty Euron for two, three, five or ten queens, the Iron King thought in an uncharacteristic bout of modesty after sitting himself on the oversized bolt. His penis was shriveled and soft under his garments. “My dick is so fucking hard!” he screamed to no one in particular as he tested the system of pulleys that allowed him to aim his big, fat glistening shaft.

The Dragon Queen was coming in fast, he could clearly see her in the distance just as much as he was confident the bay was hiding his fleet from her line of sight. Euron set aim on his target and took a deep breath. The waters were calm and he let the sea air fill his lungs and his loins. Fucking epic, he thought as he pulled the trigger that sent man, bolt and deerskin ballsack speeding towards his latest conquest.