I’m posting here to share some gender feelings that were surprising to me. I’m still processing them, but I think in a good way.
Edit: Adding CW for talking about dysphoria / transphobia / trauma
spoiler
I transitioned ~25 years ago and lost just about everything. Family kicked me out, and I had to more or less start my life from scratch. I was dirt poor and had to deal with a ton of discrimination and hatred when I told people I was trans. Eventually, I just stopped telling people. I went from being proud of finally being out of the closet and being super excited to tell everyone I was trans, to being terrified of losing another friend, to losing my job, to losing my new loved ones. I left the trans community and only really engaged when I absolutely had to for medical reasons. I’ve been trying to engage more over the last few years, but have a wall of internalized transphobia that’s made it difficult.
The other day, a friend of mine came out to me and said that they think they’re trans. I’ve been looking up information online so I can be as supportive as possible while not being overbearing or pushy. And everything’s different now. It seems like as terrible as the world is, there’s a ton of information available. Trans communities seem radder than ever. There’s an energy that I don’t think was there before. When I first came out, it felt like every trans person I met advised me to stick out as little as possible to avoid being hurt, to avoid losing my job, to avoid making problems for people. I had to deal with the old standards of care, to prove that I was a “true transsexual” to get a legit HRT script, and searching for trans stuff online brought up stuff like the COGIATI.
I still feel like a piece of trash for running away from everything, especially with what’s going on in the world.
So, I told my friend that I’m trans, too. I’m still shaking to think about it. It’s brought back a ton of old memories, trauma, self-hatred, and all of that. I’ve been thinking about my gender in a way I haven’t in years. Reading through some of the “hey, so you think you might be trans?” material to find stuff for my friend has been really helpful in a way I didn’t expect. There’s a lot that’s hard to read because it reminds me of some really painful times, but it’s also caused me to think a lot about my victories, the joy that comes from… just being myself? The joy that comes from realizing that it’s OK to be trans, even after all these years?
I want to support my questioning friend, and I can’t do that if I can’t be OK with being trans myself. I want to come out to my other friends, and maybe eventually my coworkers. I still have a lot I’m going to need to work through, but I feel like I can make progress.
I’m thankful for my friend. I’m happy that we’ll be able to talk about how we experience gender together, and hopefully learn to accept ourselves more? And I’m happy that after all these years, long after I’ve given up on it, I’m making some cracks in my own self-loathing I thought I’d have to deal with for the rest of my life.
I’m proud to be trans. For the other trans folk out there, I hope you are too. If you aren’t proud of yourself or don’t think you can get there, it’s never too late to make progress, and I hope you find your way there soon.
Yeah I feel you, I feel like I caught the tail end of that culture of incredible fear. I still am not out to everyone (is that even possible without a forehead tattoo?) but I am out to whoever is important to me or I consider a friend.
“Culture of incredible fear” is a really good way of putting it. I spent some time thinking about the phrase, and realized we didn’t even have the trans flag back then and it didn’t become common until well after I’d left the community. I’ve never really related to the flag, but I want to. So, to the culture of incredible fear, I have just one thing to say: !
i’m always glad to hear from anyone who’s been trans for a long time, and i’m super happy to see that you’re continuing on a journey of self acceptance 25 years in. i hope i’m able to continue evolving and participating in the community when i’ve been transitioning for 25 years, genuinely you are an inspiration
Thinking on it, there’s no “end state” to being trans. I’ve heard people talk about post-op depression, a feeling of “I’ve made all of the physical changes I’m able to, and there’s nothing else to do and I don’t know what’s next”. My goal was to never think about being trans any more, or at least to think about it as little as possible. The thing is, being trans is something you can’t escape, and it’s always going to affect your life in little ways. Being trans means viewing ourselves in context of the larger cis-dominated world we live in. Even if you are 100% confident in who you are, I don’t know if it’s possible to not view yourself at least a tiny amount through the filter of the dominant culture, subconsciously picking up on the biases, subconsciously feeling “less than”. I remember hearing even from another trans woman that “if you’re really trans, in the future you won’t be part of any trans communities”. I was stupid enough to believe that, since deep down I somewhere accepted the framing that being trans was being “less than”. None of my trying to escape being trans and wanting to be cis actually made me cis - it just made me sacrifice my dignity and subconsciously hate myself for not being able to reach an end state I’d never be able to reach. Living in an cis-dominated culture and accepting cis framing led to a denial of self that’s strangely like dealing with coming to terms with being trans pre-transition. I don’t think it’s healthy, and like so many other things related to being trans it seems like the only way to heal is by being kind and loving to yourself, without letting other people dictate your self-worth or how much of a human you are vs. cis people. We’ve been born into a culture that pushes us to feel lesser than others, and the degree to which I’ve internalized it and deluded myself into thinking I can get past it affecting me has been really upsetting to confront.
This is a long-winded way of saying that I wish you all the best on the same journey of self-acceptance. I’m hopeful that you’ll still be evolving and participating in the community as well, and I’m happy that you’re looking forward to it in the long-term!
i definitely get that. one of the biggest steps i took was realizing i didn’t actually wish i was cis, and that the people i’ve known and community i’ve been in has meant so much to me. realizing i love being trans was so important to me
I’m posting here to share some gender feelings that were surprising to me. I’m still processing them, but I think in a good way.
Edit: Adding CW for talking about dysphoria / transphobia / trauma
spoiler
I transitioned ~25 years ago and lost just about everything. Family kicked me out, and I had to more or less start my life from scratch. I was dirt poor and had to deal with a ton of discrimination and hatred when I told people I was trans. Eventually, I just stopped telling people. I went from being proud of finally being out of the closet and being super excited to tell everyone I was trans, to being terrified of losing another friend, to losing my job, to losing my new loved ones. I left the trans community and only really engaged when I absolutely had to for medical reasons. I’ve been trying to engage more over the last few years, but have a wall of internalized transphobia that’s made it difficult.
The other day, a friend of mine came out to me and said that they think they’re trans. I’ve been looking up information online so I can be as supportive as possible while not being overbearing or pushy. And everything’s different now. It seems like as terrible as the world is, there’s a ton of information available. Trans communities seem radder than ever. There’s an energy that I don’t think was there before. When I first came out, it felt like every trans person I met advised me to stick out as little as possible to avoid being hurt, to avoid losing my job, to avoid making problems for people. I had to deal with the old standards of care, to prove that I was a “true transsexual” to get a legit HRT script, and searching for trans stuff online brought up stuff like the COGIATI.
I still feel like a piece of trash for running away from everything, especially with what’s going on in the world.
So, I told my friend that I’m trans, too. I’m still shaking to think about it. It’s brought back a ton of old memories, trauma, self-hatred, and all of that. I’ve been thinking about my gender in a way I haven’t in years. Reading through some of the “hey, so you think you might be trans?” material to find stuff for my friend has been really helpful in a way I didn’t expect. There’s a lot that’s hard to read because it reminds me of some really painful times, but it’s also caused me to think a lot about my victories, the joy that comes from… just being myself? The joy that comes from realizing that it’s OK to be trans, even after all these years?
I want to support my questioning friend, and I can’t do that if I can’t be OK with being trans myself. I want to come out to my other friends, and maybe eventually my coworkers. I still have a lot I’m going to need to work through, but I feel like I can make progress.
I’m thankful for my friend. I’m happy that we’ll be able to talk about how we experience gender together, and hopefully learn to accept ourselves more? And I’m happy that after all these years, long after I’ve given up on it, I’m making some cracks in my own self-loathing I thought I’d have to deal with for the rest of my life.
I’m proud to be trans. For the other trans folk out there, I hope you are too. If you aren’t proud of yourself or don’t think you can get there, it’s never too late to make progress, and I hope you find your way there soon.
Thanks.
Yeah I feel you, I feel like I caught the tail end of that culture of incredible fear. I still am not out to everyone (is that even possible without a forehead tattoo?) but I am out to whoever is important to me or I consider a friend.
“Culture of incredible fear” is a really good way of putting it. I spent some time thinking about the phrase, and realized we didn’t even have the trans flag back then and it didn’t become common until well after I’d left the community. I’ve never really related to the flag, but I want to. So, to the culture of incredible fear, I have just one thing to say:
!
Thank you!
Made me cry. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you for the message! It was difficult to share, so I’m glad that you thought it was worth reading.
i’m always glad to hear from anyone who’s been trans for a long time, and i’m super happy to see that you’re continuing on a journey of self acceptance 25 years in. i hope i’m able to continue evolving and participating in the community when i’ve been transitioning for 25 years, genuinely you are an inspiration
Thank you for the kind words!
CW: talk about dysphoria / transphobia
Thinking on it, there’s no “end state” to being trans. I’ve heard people talk about post-op depression, a feeling of “I’ve made all of the physical changes I’m able to, and there’s nothing else to do and I don’t know what’s next”. My goal was to never think about being trans any more, or at least to think about it as little as possible. The thing is, being trans is something you can’t escape, and it’s always going to affect your life in little ways. Being trans means viewing ourselves in context of the larger cis-dominated world we live in. Even if you are 100% confident in who you are, I don’t know if it’s possible to not view yourself at least a tiny amount through the filter of the dominant culture, subconsciously picking up on the biases, subconsciously feeling “less than”. I remember hearing even from another trans woman that “if you’re really trans, in the future you won’t be part of any trans communities”. I was stupid enough to believe that, since deep down I somewhere accepted the framing that being trans was being “less than”. None of my trying to escape being trans and wanting to be cis actually made me cis - it just made me sacrifice my dignity and subconsciously hate myself for not being able to reach an end state I’d never be able to reach. Living in an cis-dominated culture and accepting cis framing led to a denial of self that’s strangely like dealing with coming to terms with being trans pre-transition. I don’t think it’s healthy, and like so many other things related to being trans it seems like the only way to heal is by being kind and loving to yourself, without letting other people dictate your self-worth or how much of a human you are vs. cis people. We’ve been born into a culture that pushes us to feel lesser than others, and the degree to which I’ve internalized it and deluded myself into thinking I can get past it affecting me has been really upsetting to confront.
This is a long-winded way of saying that I wish you all the best on the same journey of self-acceptance. I’m hopeful that you’ll still be evolving and participating in the community as well, and I’m happy that you’re looking forward to it in the long-term!
i definitely get that. one of the biggest steps i took was realizing i didn’t actually wish i was cis, and that the people i’ve known and community i’ve been in has meant so much to me. realizing i love being trans was so important to me