I have a problem with establishing boundaries.
I’m a private person. That’s very often misinterpreted as being arrogant and feeling superior to others. I’m not, I just wish to be left alone, but people still feel disrespected and it’s tiring to be constantly explaining yourself. And I don’t understand why I have to explain myself constantly.
This very emotional and thankful patient wanted a picture with me and I stupidly agreed. He also wanted my phone number (I gave him a false one) to invite me to have lunch, as he celebrated his 70th birthday. I don’t believe it was sexual or romantic, because he is married, his wife was there when he extended the invitation and took the picture and he also wanted to invite the whole unit.
I acted like this because it was the easiest way to get him to leave the hospital and free the room but also because I didn’t want to cause a scene.
What could I do next time?
If this only happens at work, then you can say, “Sorry, that’s against my department’s policy. We’ve had some incidents and my boss told us not to.”
“ I appreciate the invitation but I have a policy to not meet patients outside of work or take photos with patients.”
(And, probably, so does the hospital, at least for the meeting people outside work,)
If they need more, a “it makes me feel uncomfortable.” And walk away before they make it weird.
Whatever you do, don’t blame policies at the hospital because other staff probably are okay with it, and/or they’ll bitch at management who will respond with a “that’s not true….” Or something.
Once you’re outed it’s just gonna get weirder.
Maybe there is such a policy. Doesn’t hurt to check.
Sorry that’s against our/my policy.
“Thank you, but unfortunately the hospital/medical place doesn’t allow me to do that/accept an invite” ?
Maybe meet them half way? Let them take your picture but should they ask for your number politely decline. Tell them if you gave your number out to every patient your phone would never stop ringing or tell them it’s against company policy. Either way they will feel better knowing you don’t give your contact info to anybody not just them. Whatever you decide to do i think giving them a fake number is a bad idea
Thank you, that’s very kind, but for professional ethics reasons I’ll have to decline your offer.
I think it’s also perfectly reasonable to say the truth instead, and replace “professional ethics” with “personal”.
If they are appreciative of you, and don’t truly want to do whatever it is that makes you the most comfortable or happy, they should be exposed to a learning opportunity.
If they get offended. Maybe they eventually figure out that, just maybe, you shouldn’t express gratitude with selfishness.
Anyways. That’s ny two cents. Say it as it is.
It’s shocking how many people are suggesting lying in a way that’s so easy to get caught. “Weird I just took a picture with the nurses and the other doctor.” That’s going to make it even more awkward.
If I were you, just suck it up and take the picture, and then say you dont hand out your private number to patients and like to keep the relationships professional. This is presumably honest.
Not taking the picture is really spitting in the guys face. It’s so quick and it goes a long way to making them feel good, and feel good about you. It’s one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don’t like it.
Not giving our your number is entirely reasonable, and I suspect is also honest.
Not taking the picture is really spitting in the guys face. It’s so quick and it goes a long way to making them feel good, and feel good about you. It’s one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don’t like it.
I simply don’t want to be in anyone’s photo album. Not respecting my privacy is incredibly disrespectful and mean.
Having your picture in someone else’s album is such a non-thing that it just doesn’t make sense to be this upset over it.
I swear this is like arguing that you don’t want to say please and thank you because you don’t like talking to other people. Just suck it up and do it, as it greases the wheels of social interaction and would clearly, at least in the case of the OP, make this person happy.
If you said no and they did so anyway, that would be disrespectful and mean. But telling you that it’s the polite thing to do, and that you’re just getting upset over what amounts to nothing, is neither of those two things.
I dont like my picture on the internet. So I refuse all photos where possible. I have family, they take pictures, they’re aware of this and so I’m never the direct focus of the shot (you might see me in the background).
OP said they don’t want to take pictures with people, they shouldn’t have to take pictures with someone. Instead, you should be teaching your son to stand up for their boundaries, even in the face of ‘tradition’. If your kid says “I don’t like hugging grandma”, are you making them give hugs or are you encouraging them to tell people in their life, who they trust, how they feel?
What about saying please and thank you? If my kid doesn’t want to show that kind of respect to those around them, should be like “good job setting boundaries” or should I point out how this will hurt them and upset other people?
I would never force my children to do anything they don’t want to (well, I guess I can’t say that because, well, anyone who is a parent knows thats just a pipe dream lol). More to the point, I’m also not forcing the OP. They asked for advice, and I gave it. And yes if my kids didn’t want to hug my mother, I would probably explain to them that this is likely to hurt them because of tension it might create in their relationship, physical affection is generally a positive thing for bother parties, and how it also hurts their grandmother.
Please and thank you don’t violate barriers. It does not allow someone into your space, you don’t have to give anything of yourself to say them, and if you’re a good person you probably mean them. A better example for what you’re looking for would be handshakes. It’s common in most western cultures at several social functions, and it can be considered rather rude to refuse one, it got a lot of folks angry during covid apparently. That’s where two parties acknowledge the social bindings that call for a physical touch establishing a mutual respect. I never miss saying a please and thank you, but best believe I’m still doing the ‘covid shrug’ when I turn down handshakes.
So, you’d tell your child that “yes, you have autonomy in this, but your feelings regarding your need for personal space matter less than your grandmother’s want for a hug” is what I’m gathering? Do you educate your mother on the child’s wants/needs? There’s a reason why people are educated that, as far as physical touch is concerned, nobody else’s feelings should be taken into account. If someone can’t love a child without hugs, then I don’t think they really understand the concept or application of love.
I’m not saying this is your case, the next bit is an extreme but important to the overall argument, I think. People have identified that exact thinking pattern in why they didn’t report sexual assault from a family member. Because they weren’t taught how to properly say no and why the right to refuse touch is important, it was that much easier to abuse them.
Not respecting my privacy is incredibly disrespectful and mean.
You are wildly overstating it. Do you file a grievance every time the bank records your image? Privacy is not a right. You DID associate with the man, you DID socialize with the man, but you are so set against him recording the event that you consider it “incredibly disrespectful and mean?” Dude, that is a YOU thing.
No, it’s disrespectful to not respect my wish.
If one can’t respect a simple “no thanks”, fuck em.
It’s a little rude. That’s it. Nobody needs your permission to take your photo. They are doing you a social courtesy to ask at all. You deal with it with infinite grace when a corporation takes your photo. You can tamp down your umbrage a wee bit, I think, when someone you have a personal relationship with requests the same grace. Yes, it’s a little rude. No, it’s not “incredibly disrespectful and mean.”
They don’t need permission to take a photo of me, but they obviously do need permission to take a photo with me.
There is a huge difference there Jerkface.
You DID associate with the man, you DID socialize with the man
She did neither of these things. She rendered some services in a professional setting.
When I work in the store and sell you new shoes, I also “did not socialize with you” and it gives you absolutely no right to my privacy.
Not taking the picture is really spitting in the guys face. It’s so quick and it goes a long way to making them feel good, and feel good about you. It’s one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don’t like it.
Not even close. Not at all.
Spitting on someone, aside from being freaking nasty, mean, and frequently motivated by some type of bigotry, is pretty much considered the same as physical assault everywhere. Especially if one carries any sort of disease communicable by saliva (Hep-C comes to mind. Meningitis. COVID.)
Also, why do you- or whoever- get to have their feelings considered, but not OP’s? why do you feel like you- or whoever- is so entitled to another person’s likeness that they should just “Suck it up”?
This is ignoring the simple reality that sometimes, that photo going up on the internet puts the person who didn’t want it up in direct, literal, harm. maybe their profession has some religious prohibition that there’s violation. Maybe there’s a stalker ex. Maybe they’re in some type of witness protection or secret agent.
We don’t know why it’s uncomfortable, and it really doesn’t matter. People should be respected when they say “no, I don’t want my picture taken.”
(my money is totally on secret agent.)
But, yeah. Lying about there being a departmental prohibition on any of it is an easy way to just make the entire thing more awkward. It’s best to simply be candid and decline.
It’s one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don’t like it.
and if he wanted to grab her ass just a little bit, would you also explain to your kid to just suck it up and get it over with?
Sucks to be your kid, if you have some.
“Sorry, I don’t get paid enough to afford a phone.” /s
