I am SICK of having my incredible accomplishments (rolling dice and making up stories about them) dismissed as mere “luck”. I HATE listening to people complain about how badly they roll. Today, I am going to reveal to you the secrets of how to make the most of your rolls and pull off incredible gaming achievements:

rule 1: Believe in the Heart of the Dice

Just like Yugioh from hit children’s cartoon series Yu-gi-oh!, you need to believe in your dice, and they need to know that you believe in them. When they roll poorly, don’t swap them out, keep using them, demonstrate that you believe they can do it. Punishments like Dice Jails won’t help them reform their behaviour, so instead show the dice you care for them: cradle them in your hand, even when you don’t intend to roll; find them private furnishings where they can relax with their closest friends between sessions; whisper affirmations to them while they’re sleeping - show them you love them.
DO NOT FUCK THE DICE: Not only will it result in a very embarrassing hospital visit where you have to explain that you proceeded to engage in sexual intercourse with one or more small polyhedrons despite being warned not to by an owl that’s a professor, but it will also result in a permanently awkward vibe between you and your dice, and you’ll have to get rid of all of them and buy new ones that don’t know about the whole dice-fucking situation.

rule 2: Stack the deck

Just because you’re doing something dangerous doesn’t mean it has to be difficult. Did my Paladin manage to 1v1 a Purple Worm despite the party giving up all hope because I rolled nothing but 20’s? No, he won because 5e’s rules are so unbalanced that he didn’t need to roll higher than an 8 on a d20 to hit. Also a moment of tactical genuis where he leapt down its throat so it couldn’t keep hitting him with its incredibly damaging tail sting, but mainly the low chance to fail.
You can’t expect your dice to always bring out their absolute best, so give them lower targets they can hit consistantly. They will appreciate it, and pay you back by giving it their all when it really counts.
NB: You may find people claiming that this is a simple matter of probability; These people work for Big Statistics and are liars. Your dice do have feelings and appropriate targets are important for their growth.

rule 3: Once you do take a risk, make it an outrageous risk

Dice can’t resist the tension of a high stakes roll, so raise those stakes as high as you can. Dramatic tension is key to keeping a die’s interest, so if you need a really high roll for a plan to work, make sure it’s really life or death.
Imagine the scene: A colossal dragon blue dragon is swooping and attacking a ship, far from land, surrounded by churning waves. A handful of arrows and magical rays fly from the deck, but if they are hurting her, she’s undeterred - she seems determined to see this ship and its inhabitants reach the bottom of the ocean. On the deck stands a Minotaur Warden, frustrated as the dragon’s speed keeps her far from his reach. He eyes her as she lines up her next swoop, starts running to where he thinks she’ll attack, and takes a mighty leap - but where?
If you think he might grab her leg to hold on, or onto her wing to pin her and bring her down, you do not undestand drama. He jumped directly into her mouth, so he could hit her in the face. Obviously this prompted her to crunch down on the tasty morsel, but the dice were determined to see him live long enough to see his absurd scheme though, so, clinging onto consciousness by a handful of HP, he was still able to deliver one final blow with his warshovel.
Of course the die rolled a natural 20 and ensured it was a killing blow. In a situation that tense, who wouldn’t? Just like you, the dice want something to really get excited for - you just need to give them the opportunity.

That’s it.

Encouragement, achieveable goals, and stimulation. That’s everything you need to almost guarantee your dice will always give you their best numbers. They will of course sometimes make mistakes, but these 3 rules will ensure that those mistakes never spiral out of control, and a critical success is never too far away.

mods I don’t know what the hell this is but I needed it out of my head so feel free to delete