1. I am disturbed by my lower half. From the waist down my body is a horrorshow for me.
2. I feel like Im not assimilated/cisnormative enough for cis spaces or womens spaces, but that im too assimilated/cisnormative for trans spaces and other trans people.
3. I feel deep shame around my interest in kink and fear that being used to invalidate me as a woman. To a lesser extent I fear the permeation of blanchard-esq brain rotting ideas through society, and feel internal pressure to be ace in order to avoid those judgements.
4. I have not had access to a doctor for the entirety of my medical transition (over a year). I have never had bloods done.
5. My face needs to stop. Its masculine and hairy and terrible. It needs to just stop and go away forever. Makeup looks fine, but also somehow worse, because of the structure of my face.

1. Accept the shape of my face.
2. Get money for laser on my face, arms, legs, and torso.
3. Voice train to have a nice voice that doesnt make me hate myself.
4. I dont know how to resolve my issues with cisnormativity, but I want to resolve them in a way that prioritizes me instead of others.
5. Get health insurance sorted, and get to a fucking doctor!

I don’t feel comfortable in any space I go into. I feel like an imposter in cis places. I feel like an imposter in queer spaces. I present very masc, and it exhausts me.

I get anxious talking about this stuff in general. Making posts publicly about it dials that anxiety up to 12.

I feel like engaging with topics pertaining to gender is too much sometimes. I run from things that scare me. I haven’t allowed myself to engage in this community, conversations involving trans people, or even some of my favorite youtubers after they transition. (Especially mad at myself for abandoning content creators after they transition)

I will participate in more queer spaces. I will also attempt to meet some people irl to talk to.

I will allow myself to be more open. I will resist the overwhelming urger to delete posts once they get too much attention. I did it once already with this account and I regret it.

I will engage with more topics and discussions involving gender/queerness/and trans things. I will work through my back catalogue of content that I’ve ignored.

-I am incredibly uncomfortable in my own body

-I don’t feel like a woman and I feel very out of place in women’s spaces even though I want to fit in

-I am unhappy with the lack of progress on my transition and feel like I’m moving at a glacial pace

-I have no in person connections to any other trans people, and all of the attempts that I have made have failed

-I feel guilty/dysphoric being attracted to women

-I want to be happy with my own appearance and actually be proud of how I look

-I want to be able to find a friend group of cis women who make me feel included

-I want to start voice training, experimenting with fashion/makeup more, and lose-gain-lose-etc weight to speed up fat redistribution

-I want to finally find of group of trans people in person that I can relate to and be comfortable with

-I want to be comfortable in my sexuality and not feel like I am attracted in a “male” way

-Though I’m comfortable at this point with being attracted to men, I feel uncomfortable with the thought that I’m less attracted to women than I used to be.

-I feel uncomfortable that I can’t yet relate as much to my queer peers because I don’t often interact with others.

-I will reflect upon the causes of this discomfort and grow more accepting of my changing sexuality.

-I will try to find more queer peers that I can relate to.

1. Fear of giving up male privilege/the freedoms of masculinity. i.e. I can be safe in public, I can be more assertive
2. Fear of trans positionality/transphobia. Esp. public safety and job prospects since I am disabled and need good health insurance
3. Pessimism around dysphoria.
4. Concerns about being too traditionally masculine to be a ‘legitimate woman’/'legitimately trans. I understand these are problematic thoughts but so far I have not been able to release them.

1. Find security and safety within myself without having to rely on masculinity or cisgender.
2. Learn to love my body and feel at home in it.
3. Find the confidence to be publicly trans.
4. Rectify my patriarchal thinking and continue to enjoy physical activity and my strength.

• gender dysphoria
• not having enough energy and will to work and study because of gender dysphoria
• being in closet IRL (except for local meetings with other trans people)
• being awkard and shy in local meetings with other trans people
• living with parents with whom i am not out to, not being able to afford my own living space
• living in country with anti-LGBTQ laws
• not being on HRT
• not being able to change legal gender
• regretting that i could start transition earlier when the circumsances were more pleasant but didn’t because i am a coward
• having pessimistic thoughts about my future
• keeping my negative feelings inside myself, being afraid to talk with my friends (who know that i am trans) about these feelings, not wanting to be annoying and make friends sad
• procrastination

• start HRT (some steps in this direction has been done already!)
• wear pretty makeup and clothes
• voice training everyday
• don’t forget that i am a woman no matter what
• try to talk with my friends about my problems, ask if they are ready to listen to them
• journaling my problems (this text is basically part of it but i think i might get my personal journal as well where i can write in more details and about more private topics)
• keep working on relationships with local trans group, keep going to their meetings, be more active in their online chat
• come out to my brother, i think among everyone in my family he is most likely to accept me, also he lives separetely from our parents so i could potentially move to him
• try to picture a bright future
• accept my past, learn from my mistakes, do not overanalyse it
• make a list of potential countries that i might move to
• try to optimise my work and study schedule, don’t be too stressed about them, consider finding new workplace
• try something new like drawning or writing a story to express my feelings, ditract myself from negative thoughts and bring something new in my life
• make a small steps but consistently to avoid procrastination