I was power washing the lube out of the back of my squad car when I heard sarge shout at me.

“JOHNSON!” she barked. I turned to her. She was in my face, towering over me. “Quit dicking around down there! Some jackoffs over at chapo dot chat are being horny on [email protected]. Get in there and nail their asses!” I hopped in my car, grabbed the stick, and rammed it into gear.

The air on the scene was hot and thick. Someone had been shooting ropes like it was a Just Cause 3 speedrun. I could hear the perps – must’ve been six or seven of 'em – as I crept behind the house. I fingered my gun, took a deep breath, and plunged right in.

“VOCEL POLICE! SPREAD 'EM!” I yelled as I busted down the back door. “GET YOUR GENITALS WHERE I CAN SEE 'EM!” Surprisingly, everyone eagerly complied. “Anyone tries anything smart and I’ll finish you off myself!” I didn’t have enough cuffs for all of them; luckily, there were more on the scene. My forearms were burning by the time I wrapped up all the body cavity searches.

I had finally stuffed all of them into the meat wagon when my radio crackled. “JOHNSON!” It was sarge again. “Get back to the station! We got a suspect linked to the distribution of Sears catalogs and I need you to bust some balls! Squeeze 'em, and squeeze 'em hard!”

I went downtown without hesitation. My feet were still sticky from the crime scene, but there was no time to de-cum. For months now I had been this close to the Sears Outfit. They were teasing me, I knew it. This sicko had a load of information, and I was going to beat it out of him no matter how long it took. If he wanted to play rough, well, I’d give him all he could handle and more.

In the interrogation room the suspect greeted me with a playful smile. Without a word I slapped on the blacklights – his pants lit up like a Christmas tree. I put on a protective blindfold sheer enough to where I could still make out his features. Hovering just inches from him, I asked, “Do you have any idea what we do with guys like you? You’re going down, and it’s gonna be messy. I’ll have you jammed up so hard there’s not a chance you’ll get off.”

Still smiling, he looked me right in the eyes. “I’m afraid you’re too late, officer. I just did.”