Last night I rearranged all of the furniture in my apartment. This morning I woke up and put on a blindfold and pounded 6 shots of vodka in a row. Then I spun in circles for two minutes straight and tried walking to the kitchen.

I heartbreakingly stubbed my toes 42069 times on the way there.

I just demanded we cut off my feet so I never have to stub my toes again.

IT’S NOT ABOUT SUICIDE IT’S ABOUT MORTGAGES, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY