Everything I do. Every fucking second of my life. Is trying to feed the massive fucking black hole of RSD in me. Everything is begging for positive feedback. EVerything is people pleasing, but in ways that actually just put people off.

Noone loves me like I love them. Noone. Not one person. Im always the initiater. I send people memes, they dont send me shit. And oh ACTUALLY the WHOLE TIME I was actually ANNOYING THEM by sending them stuff.

It leads me into such awful, desperate, sometimes even fucking abusive behaviors. Manipulative. BEGGING for feedback. From everyone. All the fucking time. Taking advantage of nice patient people until I wear them out. I ping people too much. Sometimes I ping them again if they ignore the first one. I don’t take ignoring a message for a no. I always am like “maybe they missed it or maybe they were too busy at the time and forgot” and sometimes that IS the case so it gets confusing.

People leave me constantly. Not always because of this but I’ve had like, five noteable peopel leave me in the last couple years. I have no irl friends left. Sometimes because of me neglecting those friendships and distance. But also my ONE really close irl friend left me because of a stupid misunderstanding. And I officially confirmed that Ive lost someone else today, this time over EXACTLY what i’m talking about.

I’m fucking exausted y’all. And I dont know what to do. There’s no fucking medication for RSD. Coping mechanisms dont work. I cant fucking deal with this anymore. I’m fucking tired.

  • ashinadash [she/her, comrade/them]@hexbear.net
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    9 months ago

    Dear Autismdragon: can you do me a favour and unwrite this post, so that it isn’t relatable anymore? Many thanks! /s

    Except I never even considered that the shit I do would or could be abusive or manipulative… inadvertently offputting, yes, I am always the initater while always annoying the other person, yup that’s me. Basically having to force myself not to follow up to a message I’ve sent that somebdy ignored: that one is hard because people will leave me on read for months unironically and then just go “lol oops hi” or whatever. People leaving… I do seem to sort of move through different people groups, but only recently have people started really leaving me on read for eternity.

    New discovery, right now, which I didn’t consider: I am a bad person! Fuck.

    I have no idea what coping for this looks like, but ReadFanon put some excellent replies in a thread of mine about various medications meant to minimise the effects of rejection sensitivity, which was wild. Maybe it could be of help to you?

    Even if not, thanks for making this thread.

    • autismdragon [he/him, comrade/them]@hexbear.netOP
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      9 months ago

      Well I feel bad that I’ve made you feel like a bad person with my own feelings lol. I dont think either of us are intending to be abusive or manipulative. For me though, some of my behaviors end up being that even if i dont mean it. Idk about you and I dont think you should take that to heart for yourself.

      • ashinadash [she/her, comrade/them]@hexbear.net
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        9 months ago

        Don’t, I don’t think it’s a terrible thing to keep in mind. I am very aware also that I can’t trust my perception of social matters, like at all lmao, positive or negative - I have no idea when or if I’m posting cringe or w/e. So sometimes I get the inkling that I am bugging people or doing a bad, but who knows if I actually am comfy-cool