My uncle, a person who I haven’t seen in person for a while, told me that he is going on a cruise, and he desperately wants me, my brother, and my two cousins to go with him. It’s been a long time since we have all been united as such. We have had a group text that we’ve been using for a bit, and I’m just really out of it because I’m clearly stating and putting forth that I do not want to fucking go.
Unfortunately, this is a very “not taking no for an answer” situation for everyone else. One of my cousins asked me “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and stated that he’s gonna drive down to my apartment to forcefully take me on the cruise, and my uncle himself said “I insist that you go. You are going!”, and I really am not comfortable with these scenarios whatsoever.
Barring my older brother, everyone in this group text deadnames me and pays zero acknowledgement to my gender identity. Just so you all know, I have come out to each and every person in this group text. They all, at some point or another, have gained awareness of my transfeminine identity. Hell, my uncle himself is a gay man, one who knows what it’s like to be discriminated against in this family at that!
Despite that, I can’t forget that cis gay people are still cis people, and there’s just an intrinsic aspect of my gender identity that none of them except, like I said, my older brother will not be able to get, at least on the level of understanding why it’s so crucial for me to be respected as such. I don’t want to go on a trip where I feel awkward about having been on estrogen for so long, where I am hearing everyone deadname me and view me in a light in which I do not want to be viewed, and I’m not willing to negotiate that. That is a disgustingly distressing situation.
My uncle even told me that “[He] needs a family trip before [he] dies.”, and it just… feels like he’s trying to hit me from such a strange appeal-to-emotion standpoint. Now, I know that sentiment makes him sound very elderly, but just to let you all know, he’s only in his late 50’s, and he’s healthy, so it’s not as dire as the way he phrased it would make it sound.
They are trying to emphasize a sense of strong, familial connection here, but I don’t think they know just how distant I’ve been from my dad’s side of the family, for instance. These people are all on my mom’s side of the family, but I had to cut out of my life a shit ton of people on my dad’s side of the family over my gender identity being an issue. At this point, family, at least in the context of blood relatives, means jack shit to me, and I don’t want to have this conversation or drag this shit out any longer than I have to.
By the way, everyone in this group chat, my older brother being an exception once again, has said something at one point or another that made me uncomfortable in the context of me being trans.
While I’m an outsider without the full context and no stake in this, what you’ve said makes me think that you should try to connect with them, though not by going on a cruise. While I’m sure there was some eye rolling on their end, the fact that they dropped it for your comfort suggests they do actually care about you, even if they’re really bad at it.
It won’t be easy and you should be sure you’re in a stable position before you start, because it will involve a lot of effort on your (and hopefully your brother’s) part to constantly correct their misgendering and make them feel bad when they say shitty things, but cultivating a good relationship will have rewards down the line.
Your uncle is only 50, so he would have probably come out after the gay rights movement was pretty much over. While he’ll have still faced discrimination from individuals the cultural hegemony was tipping in his favour, and he won’t have received the same level of cultural attacks on the existence of his identity as you have. The world would be a better place if people examined their prejudices on their own, but generally they have to be forced to do so. Him being a gay man and apparently wanting a relationship with you suggests you have a good chance of success though.
Once again though, your comfort comes first, so make sure you’re reconnecting on your terms, and keep standing your ground on things like this.
This is the most helpful take. I’m going to be more open about my gender identity to him and get my brother involved, but this cruise for now is a no-go as far as family gatherings go, especially due to concerns about stability and mental health. What scares me the most is that the cousin aggressively insisting that he’s going to force me to go has been huffing a lot of black conservatism and watches Candace Owens and even says he’s voting for Trump this year. He has explicitly said the basic kind of transphobic drivel (for instance, the “A mAn cAN’t BEcomE a WoMAN” kind of nonsense), and it really makes me feel like he is the most uncomfortable agent at play here. Fortunately, his sister (the other cousin) recently chimed in stating that she respects my decision to not go, and she’s urging him to stop being so rude about it. He called me selfish, and she really seemed empathetic to state “It’s not selfish. [Angel’s] just uncomfortable”. My older brother can likely serve as the best liaison here though because he is unapologetically one to embrace having me as his trans sibling. I think it starts best as a 3-way conversation between him and my uncle.