My uncle, a person who I haven’t seen in person for a while, told me that he is going on a cruise, and he desperately wants me, my brother, and my two cousins to go with him. It’s been a long time since we have all been united as such. We have had a group text that we’ve been using for a bit, and I’m just really out of it because I’m clearly stating and putting forth that I do not want to fucking go.
Unfortunately, this is a very “not taking no for an answer” situation for everyone else. One of my cousins asked me “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and stated that he’s gonna drive down to my apartment to forcefully take me on the cruise, and my uncle himself said “I insist that you go. You are going!”, and I really am not comfortable with these scenarios whatsoever.
Barring my older brother, everyone in this group text deadnames me and pays zero acknowledgement to my gender identity. Just so you all know, I have come out to each and every person in this group text. They all, at some point or another, have gained awareness of my transfeminine identity. Hell, my uncle himself is a gay man, one who knows what it’s like to be discriminated against in this family at that!
Despite that, I can’t forget that cis gay people are still cis people, and there’s just an intrinsic aspect of my gender identity that none of them except, like I said, my older brother will not be able to get, at least on the level of understanding why it’s so crucial for me to be respected as such. I don’t want to go on a trip where I feel awkward about having been on estrogen for so long, where I am hearing everyone deadname me and view me in a light in which I do not want to be viewed, and I’m not willing to negotiate that. That is a disgustingly distressing situation.
My uncle even told me that “[He] needs a family trip before [he] dies.”, and it just… feels like he’s trying to hit me from such a strange appeal-to-emotion standpoint. Now, I know that sentiment makes him sound very elderly, but just to let you all know, he’s only in his late 50’s, and he’s healthy, so it’s not as dire as the way he phrased it would make it sound.
They are trying to emphasize a sense of strong, familial connection here, but I don’t think they know just how distant I’ve been from my dad’s side of the family, for instance. These people are all on my mom’s side of the family, but I had to cut out of my life a shit ton of people on my dad’s side of the family over my gender identity being an issue. At this point, family, at least in the context of blood relatives, means jack shit to me, and I don’t want to have this conversation or drag this shit out any longer than I have to.
By the way, everyone in this group chat, my older brother being an exception once again, has said something at one point or another that made me uncomfortable in the context of me being trans.
I’m. Not. Fucking. Going. FOR MY OWN COMFORT!!!
Update: They stopped trying to win the battle. My uncle said it’s totally okay for my own comfort. Good, but I hate that I had to bicker to begin with.
gender abuse aside, cruises were petri dishes before 2019, the whole industry should’ve stayed dead when lockdowns ended.
“[He] needs a family trip before [he] dies.” […] he’s only in his late 50’s
This is really funny, but also a really disgusting way to guilt you into doing something you’re not comfortable doing.
Instead of the fedposting I want to do, I will say that you’ve set some reasonable boundaries, and you shouldn’t feel bad about anything you need to do to keep those boundaries at a point you’re comfortable with.
Family and guilt tripping name a more iconic duo. My family is the exact same, we all hate each other yet my parents yearn for this happy family ideal which is honestly just deranged.
I couldn’t give a rats ass about blood relation its meaningless. Also cruises are the absolute worst
everyone in this group text deadnames me and pays zero acknowledgement to my gender identity.
has said something at one point or another that made me uncomfortable in the context of me being trans.Have you directly told them this? Something along the lines of “you deadname and misgender me, I don’t feel safe around anyone here except [brother] - I don’t want to spend x weeks stuck on a boat with you all” will definitely not do anything for your familial relationships, but you can be confident that you’ve made your boundaries and reasons for them clear, and if they can’t accept that it’s their skill issue.
If they want to go on a plagueship that’s on them, you do what’s best for YOU, comrade.
Update: They stopped trying to win the battle. My uncle said it’s totally okay for my own comfort. Good, but I hate that I had to bicker to begin with.
While I’m an outsider without the full context and no stake in this, what you’ve said makes me think that you should try to connect with them, though not by going on a cruise. While I’m sure there was some eye rolling on their end, the fact that they dropped it for your comfort suggests they do actually care about you, even if they’re really bad at it.
It won’t be easy and you should be sure you’re in a stable position before you start, because it will involve a lot of effort on your (and hopefully your brother’s) part to constantly correct their misgendering and make them feel bad when they say shitty things, but cultivating a good relationship will have rewards down the line.
Your uncle is only 50, so he would have probably come out after the gay rights movement was pretty much over. While he’ll have still faced discrimination from individuals the cultural hegemony was tipping in his favour, and he won’t have received the same level of cultural attacks on the existence of his identity as you have. The world would be a better place if people examined their prejudices on their own, but generally they have to be forced to do so. Him being a gay man and apparently wanting a relationship with you suggests you have a good chance of success though.
Once again though, your comfort comes first, so make sure you’re reconnecting on your terms, and keep standing your ground on things like this.
This is the most helpful take. I’m going to be more open about my gender identity to him and get my brother involved, but this cruise for now is a no-go as far as family gatherings go, especially due to concerns about stability and mental health. What scares me the most is that the cousin aggressively insisting that he’s going to force me to go has been huffing a lot of black conservatism and watches Candace Owens and even says he’s voting for Trump this year. He has explicitly said the basic kind of transphobic drivel (for instance, the “A mAn cAN’t BEcomE a WoMAN” kind of nonsense), and it really makes me feel like he is the most uncomfortable agent at play here. Fortunately, his sister (the other cousin) recently chimed in stating that she respects my decision to not go, and she’s urging him to stop being so rude about it. He called me selfish, and she really seemed empathetic to state “It’s not selfish. [Angel’s] just uncomfortable”. My older brother can likely serve as the best liaison here though because he is unapologetically one to embrace having me as his trans sibling. I think it starts best as a 3-way conversation between him and my uncle.
“No.” is a compete sentence.
Settle for no less from your friends and family in situations like this. If they keep protesting, they probably aren’t good friends. And you should reconsider any family labels, too.
My uncle even told me that “[He] needs a family trip before [he] dies.”
A lot of accidents can happen on a cruise ship…
I knew someone who got merked on a cruise ship by, of all things, a fucking defective chair.
death by sitting in a chair that collapsed? wtf
I don’t know the specifics of it, I just know the initial report was “found unresponsive by a poolside at 10 AM” with no specifics, and a family member later told me there was something that happened with the chair and there were other lawsuits pending against the cruise line for similar malfunctions.
Have you considered ripping the band-aid off?
What I mean is that since you’re out already to everyone on that chat, and have tried to address the situation with them individually, there’s no secret about who you are and how you feel about the way they’re treating you. You don’t say how many people are involved, but let’s say it’s six. By letting this stay as individual conversations, you wind up with six times the burden of dealing with the pressure while it’s no stress for all of them to keep the pressure up.
One way to deal with that disparity could be to lightly edit (replace relationships with names, them -> you, optionally remove expletives) this post and send it to the people that need to hear it - that group chat. Let them be shamed in public and see you not going as the result of their own behavior. (Consider giving the supportive brother a heads up beforehand.)
A couple possible outcomes here:
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Being named and shamed in front of the rest of the family is uncomfortable enough that they change their behavior. Possibly with some backup from the supportive brother. Maybe you go on a future trip once you’ve seen that change play out.
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They gang up on you. Well, they’re already doing that. Throw up another message that you’re dropping out of the chat for X days/weeks, that your position is not up for discussion or debate, and that you will hang up, walk away, stop reading the e-mail, etc. if anyone tries to bring it up to you during that time. Follow through, and if they gang up again at the end of that time, rinse and repeat.
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Most likely - a little of column A and a little of column B. At least one person “gets it” and improves, and at least one digs in. You wind up applying the steps in 2, improve relationship with the ones that listen, and learn who isn’t going to change. At some point you decide whether to put up with that or cut them off on a case-by-case basis.
I know that both people who are brought up femme or transition feel a lot of pressure to avoid conflict, so this may be uncomfortable or not even a possible approach for you. I’m not saying “This is the only way you should handle the situation,” but rather to weigh the discomfort of this approach and ask yourself if it’s actually worse than the continuing pain and stress you’re already feeling.
If it is (and I’ve seen people and family dynamics where it could be), ignore the advice. I won’t be offended.
If it’s a no brainer and feels like a relief, go with it.
If it sounds less bad but still incredibly stressful or painful, line up support in advance. When you’re ready to pull the trigger, send the message, turn off your phone, and turn to the partner or friend sitting next to you for the pre-promised hug, start the comfort movie, or whatever it is that distracts you, comforts you, or makes you feel safe. In fact, you can do that regardless of how you wind up handling this. Family shit’s rough.
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I’m glad you’ve at least got your older brother who validates you.
Being an anarchist (and queer), you end up finding your kin in life. And it is such a relief when you do.
