I’ve got a 3 week-old newborn. During the day there are plenty of adorable moments and easy times. But it’s the middle of the fucking night, he strategically waited until I was switching diapers to piss on me and all over, then was flailing his arms and pushing the bottle out of his mouth even though he was very hungry, then shit his GODDAMN BRAINS OUT while eating, then after I burped him and cleaned him up and got him in new clothes and swaddled and put him down, he fucking screamed until I picked him up again.
Like, I’ve given him everything his tiny little brain and body could need. That coupled with the strategic shitting and pissing to require the absolute maximum amount of work from me.
The vent here, I guess, is that I fucking hate this. I loved my life with my wife and now we have next to zero intimacy(not sex, obviously, but even our normal physical touch). We have zero time for each other, one is tending the baby, while the other is desperately trying to keep up with cleaning bottles and keeping the house passably clean and there is no time for anything.
I would never let any of what I just said affect how I interact with the baby, but I’m fucking sick of having literally zero independence and I miss my wife (her being in the same bed and next to me most of the day makes it worse somehow).
Fuck.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Check out The Oatmeal, they’ve got a comic about having kids that’s painfully applicable.
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Yeah. All the times people say “sleep when the baby sleeps” or “You must be exhausted”? It’s because we’ve been there.
I will give one piece of advice. Alarms.
Need to make a call or check on someone? Alarm.
Dropping the baby off somewhere before work? Add an alarm (repeat if need be) to make sure the kids not in the car.
Cooking dinner? Add an alarm to check that the stove is off.
Super exhausted brain is rough and while it’s always a small chance it’s scary how quickly we can do something stupid or dangerous without realizing it.
Personally I’ve thrown clothes in the trash and put trash in the laundry hamper (learned not to carry both at the same time) and locked myself out of the house for an hour (trusted neighbor got a copy of our house key after that one)
Bonus tip: poison control is cool. Don’t be afraid to call when/if something happens. Kid got into teething tablets and ate them all? Not the first time they’ve heard of it and if there’s anything to be done they’ll tell you. They even checked back a little later just to be sure.
Bonus tip 2: if you have somebody willing to help with laundry, house, etc take it. It feels weird but a lot of the people offering know exactly what you’re going through.
I couldn’t tell you how many decidedly not-garbage items have been a split second from being thrown away
As for alarms, my memory was already shit before this, so I’m all over that. Thanks for taking the time to respond
Small kids pee when exposed to cold air around their private parts. It’s to avoid peeing on mom all the time. Some people use that to save on diapers xD they are not doing that on purpose, learning that helped me keep a strategic eye out for that.
My daughter is 10 now, but your comment triggered a memory I had buried so deep it was all but forgotten.
The rule was that we put the child on its back, undo her diaper and fold the front down, blow on her exposed nethers and then close the diaper again and wait. She immediately pees, every fucking time, I change her, she stays dry for longer, I get some fucking sleep.
I just reminded my wife of this ritual. We laughed. Take this forgotten knowledge from survivors of the bad times, whoever might read this.
Yeah, we have three. Number one is eight now, I feel this whole thread in my bones.
Definitely reframe your thinking. Baby didn’t do anything strategically. He is in an alien world, inundated with new experiences. None of this was his choice.
He isn’t doing anything TO you. You did it all to him. And while I figure you’re kind of joking with that, those words get into your subconscious and breed resentment, even if you think it’s not affecting how you interact with the baby.
That said, what is your support system? Do you have family or friends who could spot you for a few hours to give you and your wife a nice dinner out or something? Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. No one should isolate themselves when caring for a tiny human.
As a parent of teens, I’d be super happy to step in and clean some bottles, clean up a poopy baby, and rock them while they cry. These are all skills I developed that I no longer get to use. It would be nice to feel like maybe I have something useful to offer, because teens definitely make you feel like you don’t.
It will get better. I promise you that. The beginning is always the roughest. It’s an adjustment. Things will never be the same, but you can (and will) make it just as good, if not better.
Hang in there. You and your wife got this. How you feel right now is not how you’ll always feel, ok? Sometimes it takes a little while to “kick in”. And when it does, whoa baby, you’re in for the greatest ride of your life.
I have to reiterate: you’ve got this. You are doing fine. This is normal.
Also: when changing baby, put new diaper over them while you dispose of old diaper. Then when they pee, it hits the diaper and not you.
You’ve got this!
Edit: I almost forgot: congratulations! 😁
I typically leave a wet wipe over him while switching diapers, but he waited until the exact moment I took it off to close up the fresh diaper to let loose
Sounds silly, and it very well may be, but maybe it’s the temp change and fish of air from the wet wipe being removed that triggered him to pee.
Wet wipes are of course wet, and will cool down when left out in open air. Try a dry diaper or towel, and see if that changes things. It might not, but if it does then you’ve got a solution.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to store the wet wipes that keeps them at a more comfortable temperature, but haven’t got around to really figuring it out
There are wipe warmers that are pretty cheap, with varying quality. My spouse has them all over the house.
As others have said, he’s not being intentional about anything even though it sure feels like it. I swear my little one waits to hear the rustling of the sheets of me getting into bed after putting her in the crib to go all “car alarm” on us.
Your frustration and sleep deprivation is real. Communicate with your partner. Make sure you’re both helping each other as much as possible and giving grace to each other. If you ever sense you’re close to acting on your feelings and frustration, put the kid in a safe space or with a safe person and take 5. Take 10. Do what it takes to get that under control and remember that this little being is not malicious.
You will make it through this.
We had a wipe warmer, you just empty a pack of wipes into it and it will keep the wipes at a nice temperature for when you do wipe the little one. We got ours on Amazon, https://a.co/d/01yiSeYB just as an example.
As others have said, you got this and this is normal, you’ll be fine my friend! It’s a huge learning curve but one that’s worth it.
It’s actually really good that you wrote out your frustrations like this. Humans are incredible at forgetting, which is why people often look forward to having a second or third child despite living through the nightmare you’re describing. In a couple of years, if you’re feeling like you want to have another one, at least now you can go back through your old posts and regain a little bit of the perspective you’ve managed to forget so you can go into the second time around with your eyes wide open.
Oof. I had one do that a few times. I was shocked because that particular kid had great bladder control, generally. It sure seemed calculated.
In his case, the second time it happened, I realized he had been waiting to get out of a full diaper, because he knew peeing then would soak his clothes.
And once the diaoer was off, I think he wanted to pee quick before the next diaper went on, because he didn’t like the feeling of a wet diaper, and he knew I wouldn’t check it for a bit right after a change.
It gave me some comfort to realize he wasn’t just being obnoxious on purpose. He was just trying to solve a rare problem in his own clever way with the few options he had.
I ended up switching to diapers with the color change stripe, which I think helped him relax about peeing in the diaper, knowing I would notice the full diaper sooner. Once he understood the change, I recall that stopped happening.
Of course another change was I got quick with the spare diaper cover, for him.
With every other kid, they just peed randomly, so I was always careful with that spare diaper. The only reason this guy nailed me a couple times was that he had great bladder control, other than in that rare situation.
It was planned, but, like, FUCK
I remember feeling the same thing. It sucks because intellectually, you know it’s gonna be fine in the end, but emotionally, you are stuck in that sleep deprived state for all your life.
I got a second one now and taking care of him is easy, sleep deprivation is okay since I know it gets better, but now free time is sorely missing. I wake up at 6:30am and the routine stops at 19:45 - 20:00. At least, I can rationalize it, otherwise I would be depressive.
Hang in there, get the help you can, and at one point, it’s better to sleep than clean the kitchen.
Ugh, I’ve been there. My firstborn was so awful. At one point I was so sleep deprived that I dreamt I had murdered someone and couldn’t tell it had been a dream. For about a week I lived in constant fear of the police. Until I realized in another dream that it’s all good. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and it’s really no joke. During that time I understood why sometimes people shake their babies to death. I had moments where I had to put her on the floor, leave the room and close the door. Just to get a few minutes to gather the strength to carry on. I also heard other people say that when they say how great having a child is, they’re not referring to the first year. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it will probably get better.
Totally hear you. First few weeks are tough. Some kids are harder than others, and you’re learning a lot too. Good news is that they get easier, and you will get better at it. Also, a couple months in they start smiling and you get some encouragement finally.
Until then - consider a postpartum doula and a housecleaner. Takes money, but your life and family are worth it if you are able. You can’t get all the independence back, but you can get enough.
My parents paid for a lawn mowing service for a few months, which is a game changer for me. My wife has been pricing out cleaning services, too. We don’t have night nurse-money, but the things we can afford should be helpful
Depending on your situation there are some doula services that are partially or fully covered by some medical groups. Varies state by state and depending on income and other factors, but can be a few visits or so. If you talk to a doula collective they may have more info for your specific area.
Also worth noting that research indicates that the fathers can experience symptoms similar to post-partum depression as well. I’m not armchair diagnosing anything or anyone, but the strain of a newborn is real. Take care of each other and yourself too.
The first 3-6 months are like vegas, anything you and your partner say or feel in this period are exhaustion enduced and get forgotten. Until the baby can smile and act like a tiny human you just endure. Once it smiles and sleeps for at least 4 hours your brain will give the good chemicals and you both start to forget this time.
Honestly theres some great advice in this thread about perspective already. So being only three weeks in, i have one useful piece of real advice. Thats not a functional human yet, it cant move under it’s own power, it cant remember what happened 5 minutes ago. You can strap the infant in a car seat and walk the fuck away for five minutes. be in another room breathing. It can not follow you, it will not remember. Use this weakness against it while you can.
You can do it! In a few weeks he will sleep through the night and you’ll both wake up panicked because it’s 6am and you haven’t heard from him in 7 hours. These are the things that you’ll look back on and smile. You’re doing it!
Yep, we thought our daughter had died in the night for sure.
Babies can sense your frustration and it scares them into crying worse.
Oh I know, the baby is an incredibly sensitive vibes-detector
My son once peed when he was getting changed and managed to hit himself in the face. He never did it again after that. Win!
Anyway, hugs, you’re in the thick of it, but as everyone says, it does get better.
Just 3 weeks in? Let it all out now, I suppose.
If I am not mistaken, and I could be easily mistaken, is that part of what you are experiencing is the shift in “daddy hormones”. The physiology of both parents changes once they become parents and you are likely feeling it now. Women obviously have earlier and more impactful changes in that regard. I can only speak from my own experience and mine was very real.
I got no tips or tricks or anything useful that would possibly help. Parenthood doesn’t run on drive-by advice so I won’t attempt to give any. (Get sleep whenever you can as it sounds like you need it. That isn’t advice though: It is a reminder.)
Believe it or not, I am actually overflowing with sympathy. There may or may not be a shit-eating grin on my face, but if there is, it’s a sympathetic one.
Eventually, your experiences above becomes the norm and you get used to the routineless routine. Time will continue to tick forward and patterns will shift as the child gets older.
Intimacy with your SO will return and your frustration is normal. You may get pushed close to breaking over the next few months, but that is OK! Just focus on being a good daddy, no matter what. (The practice should come in handy later.)
Edit: Do you know how to baby-proof a room? Toss them in a space and follow them around for a bit. Their baby radar will immediately find any hidden dangers to chew on in about 15 seconds flat. By the time you mitigate one problem, they will have found the next. After an hour or so, you will have a nearly sterile room. (It’s magical how they do that, actually. This was a joke, but actually kinda isn’t.)
I appreciate the pseudo-sadistic sympathy, it genuinely made me feel a little better. Also the baby proofing advice is solid. We’ve got five cats and our house is pretty buttoned-up as-is, but I’m sure the little one will find weaknesses
Well, I was in your shoes twice. I can laugh a little at my younger self and how absolutely naive I was back then. I also can’t help but chuckle a little at your Ted talk, but it’s not with malice.
Shit just got real for you, I suppose. Humor, even slightly sadistic humor, can be a momentary relief. Even when my kids managed to do the stupidest, unimaginable shit, all I could do sometimes is just shake my head a bit and laugh about it.
Managing five cats is an accomplishment. Managing a creature that has opposable thumbs is going to have some unique challenges. ;)
There’s a very fun two player video game called Who’s Your Daddy. One player is a baby trying to get themselves killed. The other player is a dad frantically trying to baby proof the house. It’s dark as shit and it’s hilarious.
Put the toaster in the bathtub as a red herring to distract dad while you crawl into the oven and you might win.
I never question my choice to not have kids.
I’m glad this post validates that decision for people
