I finally filed for divorce from my abusive wife recently. I believe she might be a clinical psychopath at this point. She picked a fight with me on my 40th birthday the other day and this ruined the time I had with my daughter. She did things like this constantly.
I just feel like she has finally completely broken me as a person…I now am unsure if I can get better. I will stay alive for my daughter’s sake, but some days I really don’t want to be.
I have no real resources. I have no money. Most therapists I’ve seen have been terrible. Most people I talk to don’t seem to believe me that I’ve been abused. I just cannot take this anymore.
I finally got on a couple dating apps to see if that made me feel better and it had totally the opposite. It set off a very bad downward spiral.
I feel like I have a lot to offer. I’m funny, kind, smart, a talented musician/artist, I think I’m handdome even (can’t post a pic obviously), but no one seems to care. It’s like when I put my confidence to practice I get rejected and reminded why I shouldn’t have any.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get better.
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I want to add one thing: I have been abused by women my entire life. My mom abused me growing up, I was molested by my female cousin (however she was younger than me at the time (about 7) so I dont blame her - she was simply repeating what had happened to her), and then abused by my wife for almost 20 years.
It stinks. Everyone assumed my wife did all the parenting and housework when this was the opposite. Counselors would scold me for bringing up how my wife treated me and deny my abuse, etc. I also know multiple relationships personally where this is the case.
I know discussing men’s issues often devolves into nonsense, I wish there was a better way to discuss things.
I have a similar experience when I try to discuss how abusive my mum was to me, my dad and my brother but no one wants to hear it or at worst will say it was my fault or I did something wrong. Its a bias I’ve noticed a lot of people have and it’s an incredibly damaging and dangerous bias. Somehow because the damage wasn’t physical it means it didn’t happen or didn’t exist…
I have read a lot of books about narcissistic regimes and this type of thing is common.
dating apps are quite literally designed to make you feel bad about yourself so that you pay for a better chance of getting matches, especially for straight men. you can completely ignore any impact it has on how you feel about yourself, it’s literally just capital using your insecurities against you to say “fuck you, pay me.” get away and stay away
you’ll be alright though. give yourself time to heal and focus on making the most of the good attributes you listed about yourself. also, feeling better is not a linear process - some days you will feel like you’re regressing, but that’s ok. it’s part of the process so try not to get down on yourself about it
Death to America
I knew all this and still did it anyways. Even my friends told me they suck, and they were right.
don’t hold it against yourself though. the idea that you can just go on an app and get a relationship is very appealing, trying it is nothing to be ashamed of
Death to America
Definitely. Especially when I have felt utterly alone, unloved, and neglected for nearly half my life.
I think the dating app thing is a very common experience. I’d stay away from them until you’re in a better place at least, if not entirely. Unfortunately it seems like the denial of abuse is common too but idk if I have anything meaningful to say about that besides “wow that sucks, I’m sorry.”
I feel like I have a lot to offer. I’m funny, kind, smart, a talented musician/artist, I think I’m handdome even (can’t post a pic obviously), but no one seems to care. It’s like when I put my confidence to practice I get rejected and reminded why I shouldn’t have any.
I feel this pretty hard. And I’m not even particularly talented lmao. I know this doesn’t make it feel better, but it’s not you, it’s society. I mean yes, there’s just meeting the right people and stuff too, but the current trajectory of society is so alienating, and treats everyone as so profoundly disposable and interchangeable, that I don’t know how anyone manages. Many if not most people I know are struggling in similar ways.
To quote… someone, idk, it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. Solidarity, friend
No real experience but from what I keep hearing, dating apps are hell holes that commodify your identity in a really ugly way. First you have to think of yourself as a product for sale and market yourself as such, then, thanks to the way discovery and interaction works you’ll will be made to feel inadequate as part of their process to convince you to pay for “advantages”.
If you can, find dating events happening in the real world where you see people face to face. Singles nights, speed dating, whatever else there is… it’s going to be less humiliating than apps that are designed to prey upon insecurity.
Also hobbies and causes are a great way to meet people and remind yourself there’s possibility and purpose to seize upon outside of your current personal microcosm.
That is a great idea. I feel like I could probably be I a lot more impressive in person. Unfortunately the dating app kind of zapped my confidence for a bit but I’ll try to get back out there soon.
I spent so much of my life looking for love externally. Now, on my own, treating myself well I am having the time of my life. I now live in my car. I have lived in a tent, a teardrop trailer that was really just a bed in a box, a few years on a sailboat in the Gulf of Mexico, a giant Motoryacht, a truck camper and now a Chevy Astro. I am alone but not nearly as lonely as I have been in relationships. Life seems to be much longer now. I could go on. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated!
I feel this. I was alone in my entire relationship. Being alone while you’re chained to someone is a terrible feeling.
I think we need to differentiate between being alone and being lonely. I, and many others, love being alone.
I do too. Toward the end I even hated being on the same level of the house as my ex wife.
i like you
I like you too 🫂
I think a lot of us can relate to your experience. I have found a lot of people that seem to have borderline personality disorder, and are admired for it.
I am almost positive I have it. I am trying to seek DBT therapy but most places won’t even call me back. What a fucking hell hole.
I thought I did. I think I just didn’t know how to handle my emotions and I was put into some triggering situations.
I think I self medicated with weed for a big part of my life. Now I am happy without it and it just makes me feel stupider, but not happier.
I was an alcoholic for a long time. I then switched to weed and have had a similar experience. I actually was able to quit for a month after I filed the divorce, but I’ve been using again after some stress from it.
I hope one day I can use it like 1-2 times a week but I may not need it. I like when you can use it to enhance your experience, not cope with it.
When it became legal and available where I am it lost some of its hold on me. If I have it I smoke it out of boredom . Knowing I can get it tomorrow makes me feel like I would rather do other things today.
I want to add my symptoms have gotten much worse in recent years. I think that was the cumulative effects of abuse adding up and just realizing my life was not what I wanted as I approached 40. I hadn’t realized it was abuse until very recently and then had to make a plan to get out.
The last year was very very very bad, but I do feel a lot of hope sometimes now. I’m hoping my symptoms will get better with treatment.
I suspect you are seriously PTSD.
I have been told this. I became extremely sensitive to lights, sounds, and smells in the last couple of years. My wife would do everything to aggravate this as well.
Dogs barking, lawnmowers, and loud cars are very very difficult for me.
I seriously hate lawnmowers and weed whackers. They drive me insane. I have to get nosie cancelling headphones. The stupid ass subdivision I live in has them running nonstop from March until October. I am moving out into the country with my dad soon and this will be a huge relief. Last time I was there I took a recording of how quiet everything was. I almost started to cry.
