Mostly making this bc I felt my comment below didn’t deserve its own post as such.
There are years where nothing happens, and threads where hot minutes happen
I saw some old friends yesterday, which was wonderful, it was great to catch up. The thing was I’m not out to them. I meant to come out, but I just like never found the right time. So I boymoder, kind of. It was like a questionable boymode where I had my hair down and women’s skinny jeans and my nails are painted purple.
I think they knew something was up, because several of them kept mentioning random trans people that they knew, just like randomly. I started doing it to, and we basically had this weird conversation about transness while I sat there sweating. Also, at one point, my friend looked at me and said “you look a lot brighter recently also, i like your earrings btw”. i didn’t know how to respond to that and was very awkward.
This is fucking embarrassing. Why didn’t I just come out? Wtf
same thing happened to me with my cousin like 8 months after I started coming out. I tried to boymode but he figured it out and texted me afterwards to apologize for misgendering me and deadnaming me, asking what he should call me going forward. it was really mature and I appreciated him a ton. I didn’t come out to him because that side of my family isn’t safe (my dad, his parents, etc. are all extremely queerphobic / fash adjacent or outright fash). so I asked him not to out me to anyone other than his wife. I did get outed but idk by who.
I suggest thinking about who in that group is safe and coming out to them - it sounds like they’re all trying to be helpful/supportive and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. plus it’s a huge weight off your shoulders.
It’s hard, don’t feel too bad! You didn’t know how they was gonna be going in and decided to play it safe. And then once your information changed, it felt like too long of a wait. Now you know at least that it won’t be horrible when/if you do tell them next time :)
That’s a better way to look at it. Thanks.
Lmao I can imagine they talking about all those trans people and you’re there like
But don’t worry, I’m sure you will come out to them soon :)
Coming out is fucking hard, don’t beat yourself up.
When I was doing it, it helped in each instance to have someone who already knew also in the room with me. Not possible in every circumstance but like, it can be hard to accept that people will be supportive even when you know for a fact they will be, so having someone around who already knows and is supportive is so helpful
I just figured out that I am trans, and now I need to figure out how to tell someone IRL.
god dammit, I didn’t see this and made a separate thread for this. it’s a really well-written deep-dive into the weird shit that goes on inside the heads of repressed trans people. take your hormones - they’re wonder drugs, the true panacea.
Back at home and I’m not out to my family. I love hearing that I look so similar to my brother. It’s just awesome. Ans being called a handsome man. Jfc I want to die
I hope everyone here is having a good day <3
What is yalls advice on looking a bit more androgynous? I don’t really vibe with my appearance and need to improve it anyway. I’m a man, kinda a big one too. I don’t like long hair.
Edit: I should have said this before, but I want to be subtle.
trans rights!
gonna have a meet with the doctor, early next week, in which i get to hear if i’m sufficently trans or if they want to push me to another psychiatrist with the waiting list being a year long
fuck do i hate all these loops, you give me my fucking hormones, you fuckers!
In no world should you have to do this, but it is fairly easy to obtain Estrogen online depending on what country you live in although you won’t have the same support for labs and things like that without a doctor. I can point you in the right direction if you DM me!
i’m reading independently published transgender fiction and having a fantastic time
read unjust depths, one of the first things that happens in it is the main character (as much as it has has a main character given how much of an ensemble story it is) taking her estrogen and then having sex with her wife. this establishes very quickly that ~60-70% of the main cast are trans and all of them are gay unless proven otherwise. written by a trans woman (or i wouldn’t recommend it here)
and then they go out to try and spark communist revolutions within the imperial hegemon and write theory and expose people who have had shitty lives to how it works under communism and how they aren’t going to be ground to dust like they were under capitalism and they start to cry. homa queen of my heart along with like 20 other women in this good webnovel. it’s free! no ads! read it!
Seriously, the independently published trans fiction is where the good fucking shit is at. In addition to Unjust Depths, I also have Read-Only Mind and AO3 rec lists a mile long.
Got me hyped for Unjust Depths also
i definitely wouldn’t recommend anything from read only minds on here lest the volcel cops get after me but i have a bunch of stuff i’ve liked on ao3 and scribblehub that i would recommend in a heartbeat. have you read dorley? or the stuff from the great scribblehub egg arms race?
I know of Dorley. I was fascinated, but special case.
Please however regale me with the tale of The Great Scribblehub Egg Arms Race??
dorley’s interesting and generally very good as an examination of the kind of fiction i read a lot of when i was younger that definitely wasn’t good for me to be reading
the great scribblehub arms race is how i refer to a trend over the past couple years of trans authors on scribblehub to write stories about very dense eggs. one of my favorites is to own the libs, in which a conservative egg tries to prove that cis men will infiltrate queer spaces and ends up socially transitioning, starting hrt, legally changing her name, realizes that she was super shitty about queer issues and apologizing before realizing she isn’t cis. stuff like that. mainly about eggs finding excuses to do increasingly transgender things before realizing they’re actually trans.
here’s one about an elf egg disguising herself as a woman to escape an arranged marriage and ending up very happy and trying to hide that she’s not a woman when everyone around her realized she was trans well before her. another about a school full to the brim with eggs who are all slowly forced to hatch thanks to some sort of magical contest they’ve been entered in against their will. here’s one about an egg making online friends who all think she’s trans. she doesn’t really know why they keep saying weird things but they believe she’s a girl which makes her very happy.
also not part of the egg arms race, but The Harem Protagonist Was Turned Into A Girl!! And Doesn’t Want To Change Back!!!?? is a really fun sendup of classic harem comedy anime like tenchi muyo and the works of rumiko takahashi that just ends up as a polycule centered around the former everyman protagonist who realized she was a woman. i think it’s fun
a lot of these are very white and they’re mostly very focused on like. upper middle class people in the imperial core (except for the fantasy ones), but they’re fun. in contrast unjust depths spends huge amounts of it’s word count talking about colonized people rising up against the colonizer and most of them are explicitly non-white, which is one of many reason’s it’s good. a muslim catgirl gives a speech where she tears apart colonizers for not realizing the extent of the historical injustices inflicted on her people
I see, I continue to be the only one who was not raised on a horrible cocktail of forcefem/genderbender porn. I wanted to read Dorley but the author is connected to a very scuffed individual, so alas.
However I am picking up several of these links for later eating, tyvm. There is indeed a blooming genre of egg-fiction…
wait, really? who’s she connected to?
dysphoria fueled comment
Ive been having a bunch of random dysphoria attacks lately which are super fun to deal with. Especially around my face, both because of the shape and because I have sensitive skin so I can only shave once every 3 days (even then my skin gets super angry). I desperately dont want to be walking around with a beard but its kind of unavoidable, and I cant afford laser at this point in life. I just feel like no matter what I do Ill look like a man and I really dont want that. I just want to wear a mask everywhere but people look at me like I have tentacles for eyes when I do that. At least eyeliner looks good af on me, even if it takes me an hour to do it right.
what kind of razor do you use? bc for me switching from multi-blade to a de safety razor gave me a lot less irritation + it’s cheaper.
Wow I was gonna write a comment but yeah this is also how I’m feeling minus the facial hair. It fucking sucks :(
My sibling in sadness, im sorry youre also going through it right now
So interesting to be at the stage I’m in where labels don’t really help anymore? I’m coming up on 2 years since I came out and just. I’m nonbinary and genderfluid and a million other things but I don’t really vibe with those labels so it’s all kind of whatever. The last label I really vibed with in a way that was helpful and clarifying was butch, and it feels like everything else gets encompassed by that.
The genderfluidity is weird though, I’ve realized it’s very very tied to my monthly cycle. Like for a week to a week and a half surrounding my period, I suddenly feel like a different person, and a much more fem person at that. Helpful for knowing when it’s a good idea to take some prog, though lol. But it was really really disorienting when it started happening, it made me doubt EVERYTHING I’d started to figure out about myself
Oh also bottom dysphoria is really really kicking my ass lately. I wish the bottom surgery process wasn’t so long. At least my therapist was able to get me my first letter, but I’m really making no progress in the other parts, I’m still on a waitlist just to see a PCP
The genderfluidity is weird though, I’ve realized it’s very very tied to my monthly cycle.
Thank you for sharing this! I’ve been having an interesting parallel experience where my gender expression feels pretty tied to my level of anxiety. For a long time I felt really stuck on labels and feeling like my gender was ‘illegitimate’ because it was tied to something so flexible. But recently, I’ve been able to let go of those feelings and accept that just because I can’t really control the forces influencing my identity, or they are external to me making an active decision, that that doesn’t make my expression less valid.
God I hear you. For me, I became so much happier when I stopped searching for proof or validation of my identity. When I realized there’s not some metaphysical essence of transness that I might or might not have, I became so much more able to actually explore my gender and expression
